People I Hate at the Gym

I have been spending a lot of time at the gym, specifically Orangetheory. Many articles will tell you different statistics about how many people give up on their News Year Resolutions within 2/4/6 weeks, but no matter what you read, that means the people still sticking around on February 17^th are likely there for the long haul. And unfortunately… I HATE SOME OF Y’ALL.

Here are a few categories of people I wish would quit the gym.

Unnecessary Noise People

Why? Honestly, is it necessary? Because I see you lifting half the weight as me, and there is no reason for you to be grunting. If your weight choice is actually so difficult that your body releases an uncontrollable sound every time, perhaps you need to scale back. Now, let’s talk a little about jumping noises, too. I do not mean the actually sound of jumping. I mean the tiny little yelp that is 100% unnecessary every time you jump side to side or forward and back. There is someone who does this every class. I (kindly) call her “bird sex girl” because it sounds like a teeny tiny parakeet having vigorous reproductive fun for 30 seconds at a time. Once, I was on the treadmill as it was going on, and I thought it was a malfunction on my treadmill and the belt was coming loose but no, bird sex on the floor behind me.

People Who Won’t Swallow Their Water

You heard it here first: water is for hydration. Groundbreaking. Things water is not for: stagnant mouth-holding. Teeth-cleaning. Swishing around. This one is just extra disgusting to me. Why are you walking around the studio with your mouth full of bacteria-laden liquid? It makes no sense. What if someone accidentally knocks you? What happens to the water, then? Just take the water in your mouth and swallow it. This requires no additional explanation.

Every-Weight-In-This-Gym-Is-Mine People

It’s happened to me too – the coach explains an exercise, and you realize you want a 20-pound weight, but your rack doesn’t have one. What do you do? Look around, maybe ask a neighbor to borrow, or just attempt a lower weight with more reps or a higher weight with less reps. What do you not do? Go to someone else’s weight rack and just grab a few. Do you have no home training? If something is not yours, you ask permission. With a “please” and a “may I?” I learned that in kindergarten playing “Mother, may I?” The second these people hit the weight floor it’s like all common courtesy leaves their mind as they are only thinking “MUST FIND A 20-POUND DUMBELL ASAP.” Come on, guys, be normal.

Chatty Cathys

Surprisingly, this is usually the men. They come with their bros and love to just ham it up picking the largest weights on the rack, and usually do the exercises incorrectly. You may be curious how they are doing the exercise wrong when the coach demos every single exercise and little video-people are also demo-ing on the screens all around the room. Well… it’s because they’re too busy chit-chatting to watch a demo, and they think they know best. Don’t get me wrong, I love to work out with a friend. It’s way more fun to have a buddy in class, to shoot “kill me” looks at them when the coach casually throws 10 burpees into a workout. I even sing along to the playlist (often) and congratulate my treadmill-neighbors when they hit a top speed on an all-out. But don’t talk over a demo, it’s disrespectful to the coach and the other participants.

Forrest Gump

Run, Forrest, Run!!! But actually, please don’t. One of the main tenets of Orangetheory is that you’re supposed to keep your heart in the orange zone, not run as fast and as hard as you can the entire time. Each day’s template is designed to maximize your effort and include recoveries. The coach should not need to come over to you 6 times to tell you to stop running. Usually in class while you are walking, the coach is speaking and explaining the next block. If you are running, your treadmill is loud and no one else can hear. And who are you really showing off to? No one cares and it is not a race. There are no medals. If you really want to run nonstop, there are miles and miles of street throughout New York City. In fact, the studio is only one block from Central Park! SEE YA.

The Ones Who Forgot Their Shirts

I admit, most of this is jealousy. I wish I had A. the confidence to not wear a shirt in public and B. the boobs to carry it off. I will be honest, my jealousy distracts me. I love a good matching gym set, but when I just see boobs out of the corner of my eye, it’s hard to look away. I can’t even shame though because honestly, they usually look good. Maybe after all of these weeks at Orangetheory I’ll feel confident without a shirt, too. And the best part – it’s less laundry!

Smelly People

I understand we all didn’t leave our houses for over a year. At home, it didn’t matter if you stank. No one was there to judge you. All the way back in July 2020, they reported that deodorant sales plummeted and ice cream sales soared. Maybe you never raised your arms at home because you sat at your laptop all day. Maybe you didn’t realize that your dog stopped hanging around by your desk. But you absolutely need to be self-aware again if you plan on working out vigorously in close proximity to other humans. A mask can only help incrementally. Unless the entire membership of Orangetheory gets symptomatic Covid and collectively loses their sense of smell simultaneously, you absolutely must do something about it. And until you do, I will give you the stink eye (literally) every time you do an overhead press.

There are probably some annoying people I missed, let me know in the comments.