Miscellaneous

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

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Stock up on your Halo Top ice cream pints and boxes of tissues, the self-loathing train is approaching with a vengeance. Tonight is the self-hate night of the year: the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Gone are the days of curvy Tyra Banks and NEVER are the days of human-looking women walking the catwalk, tonight is the night for unattainable body goals and 89 million dollar bras with so many diamonds they are sure to cut open your woman parts with one wrong sashay at the end of the runway.

Personally, I LOVE watching the show. In fact, I watch it ever year. I love to hate it. Maybe I just hate myself so deep down to my core that I force myself to watch how ugly I am compared to these fineee ladies, pushed in my face for an entire hour. Maybe I just like women walking in 6-inch high heels and 50-pound wings, waiting to watch them fall. (This never happens, it’s pre-recorded and you can only find the bloopers online). Maybe it’s because I can’t wait to see the musical guests, Leslie Odom Jr., Harry Styles, Miguel, Jane Zhang and Yundu Lu. Ok, it’s definitely not that because I only know one of those people. I really don’t know why I watch it, but it’s like a car accident and I am the worst rubbernecker of all time. I can’t help myself.

In these trying times, when the news every day is about yet another man abusing his power and treating yet another woman like a useless piece of chattel, there is no reason why I should enjoy yet another man (Ed Razek) in charge of throngs of underwear-clad ladies.

But again, I can’t talk too much sh*t because I f*cking love every second of it. Not only do I watch the show in its entirety (one of the only live TV events I watch all year long), but I also follow the news stories and events leading up to the show. As I mentioned before, the show is taped a week before it airs, so there is plenty of news and hype for weeks before the TV affair.

There were a few major pre-show news stories this year. The first was that since it was held in Shanghai for the first time, there were multiple people whose visas were denied, Katy Perry and Gigi Hadid being two of them. Katy Perry was banned for wearing a dress with sunflowers, and Gigi Hadid for apparently mocking Asian facial traits online. They are serious online stalkers over there in the visa office. I’m actually pretty impressed with their research techniques.

The second “major” news story was when Chrissy Tiegen tricked the internet into thinking she was going to walk in the show. The whole thing unfolded on her Instagram story, beginning with saying how she was nervous about the show, and then how she was getting in one last quick gym session. Then began her hilarious pleas that she was in Shanghai ready for her fitting but no one was answering her calls or emails. But then the best thing yet happened, she asked the twitterverse to photoshop her into a pic of all of the Angels. And the internet delivered in the best way possible. Times like those make me love the world wide web.

Anyway, the third and biggest story was that, yet again, the VS show will not have a single plus-size model. And by plus-size, I mean anyone over a size 6, maybe over a size 4. You know this is a problem because even Fox News is talking about it. This year, Ashley Graham, super famous plus-size model with 5.7 million Instagram followers, photoshopped a picture of herself with wings on, captioning it “Got my wings!” and the internet freaked out, thinking that perhaps VS had changed its ways. But no, no such luck. As Fashionista writes, it “seems so silly when you consider that the plus-size market here at home is growing at twice the rate of its straight size counterpart.” In fact, their main competitor, Aerie, is in the middle of a huge campaign to post photoshop-free ads by using the hashtag #AerieREAL. Victoria’s Secret’s only hashtag that comes even close to that is #TrainLikeAnAngel, which I think was meant to bring attention to physical fitness and healthy lifestyles. In my humble opinion, it just brought attention to the fact that VS Angels have 10 hours a day to work out, because it’s literally their jobs, as opposed to us “real people” who sit at desks watching their workouts on Instagram. Not exactly the same thing.

Again quoting Fashionista, and maybe I’m biased because the writer of the piece (Hey Tyler!) lived in my college dorm, “[Victoria Secret’s] entire marketing scheme is built upon tapping beautiful young women with millions of even younger, highly-impressionable followers. No one is asking Victoria’s Secret to give up its bevy of statuesque Angels — but perhaps it is time they consider widening their view of who is worthy to don their lingerie.”

And I agree. I think it’s time. I’d sure watch it! Then again, I watch it anyway.

In summary: Guys, I’m not sitting here telling you I’m not going to watch tonight. I’m going to watch the hell out of it. And I’m going to cry salty tears until my self-loathing turns my caramel chocolate Halo Top Ice Cream into salted caramel chocolate Halo Top Ice Cream. I’m going to live tweet the whole thing (Follow me on Twitter!). I’m going to talk about it all day tomorrow. And I’m going to swear that I will take up a new gym routine and #TrainLikeAnAngel for real. And then the next day I’ll give up because that’s what always happens, and I’ll make a new resolution on January 1 to train more, and hate myself less. And the vicious cycle continues.

But then I will remind myself that it is not my job to look like an Angel, it is my job to live the YOLO lifestyle like a regular 30-year-old millennial in New York, and to eat ramen every day because I don’t have a personal chef and that’s all my student loans payments will allow. And I’ll have to settle for that. See tonight on twitter, hopefully Adriana winks at me.

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Big City Living

Thanksgiving Day 2017

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Happy Black Friday! Take a break from shopping to read an update from your friendly, neighborhood Macy’s Parade expert.

TL;DR: NEVER going back to Balloon Inflation again; Parade was FANTASTIC as always, even though I feel old; I ate so much food; traveling back to NYC on Thanksgiving night when I woke up at 5 am for the parade is something I will never do again.

Wednesday night, I joined my friend and sister to attend the great balloon inflation. Turned out to be not-so-great. Ok, it was f*cking horrifically terrible. Good parts, standing in crowds of 10,000 people surrounded by bomb-sniffing dogs and full-riot-gear snipers. Ok jk, those were not good parts. There were no good parts. It was disorganized, and when we finally got through the security checkpoint and bag check (after 30 minutes of waiting), we found out that the line snaked from 74th street to 76th street, then back to 74th, then back to 76th. 6 total blocks, and even then, you were only at 76th street and the actual balloons didn’t start for another block after that. Once we got through one part of the snaking line, and after I was hit in the legs by approximately 16 strollers and kicked by approximately 4 children, we knew we had to escape. We asked a police officer how to GTFO. She told us we had to snake back down to 75th then ask an officer to open the gates for us. We jumped over a barricade and through the other snaking line, and walked as fast as we could away from that sh*tshow.

After that horrific experience, we walked back uptown along Columbus Avenue, in the street on the east side, and GUESS WHAT? We could see all the freaking balloons anyway. They are hundreds of feet long, after all. We even did a good deed, delivering a girl’s keys across Columbus Avenue to her friend on the west side of the street, because the girl was actually stuck inside the balloon inflation line, just as we had been, minutes prior!

The night got a lot better, though. We ate homemade pizza at my sister’s house, thanks to my brother-in-law, and then we went to part ways. As I left my sister’s house, I realized the police were blocking Amsterdam Avenue. Then I realized why: ALL OF THE FLOATS FOR THE PARADE WERE ARRIVING!! It was amazing. I called my sister immediately and told her to come outside. The floats all need to be able to fold up, or disassemble into 12.5 by 13-foot boxes to fit through the Lincoln Tunnel. We got to see the floats all tied down and folded up. Most terrifyingly, we saw the Jolly Green Giant in all of his creepy reverie, head unattached, large hands unattached and filled with even larger ears of corn. This was, by far, the coolest part of the night. And there was no line at all!

I went home and slept for very few hours, then woke up at 5:45 am feeling like it was Christmas morning. I’m Jewish so, this is sort of as good as it gets: PARADE DAY! I followed most of my tips for parade-viewing, bundling up in layers, and stopping at the bodega for an egg sandwich and snacks, and definitely not coffee. I picked up my sister along the way, and we settled in to watch just south of 75th street on Central Park West at 6:40 am.

It’s not easy to pick, but here are some highlights of parade-watching:

  • We were standing right at the beginning of the parade, so we were in front of the opening marching band. We got to dance along with them and hear their awesome songs.
  • We were close enough so that the clowns threw confetti on us.
  • Unfortunately, I barely knew any of the performers. I think that’s how I know I’m old.
  • Performers I knew and got to see: Patti Labell, Common, Flo-Rida, Jimmy Fallon, Bebe Rexha, and ALSO, 98° actually came back from retirement! Love me some Nick Lachey. 
  • I’m tall so I could see all of the floats and balloons before everyone else. (Long legs, big city. Duh.)
  • Spirit of America dance team came by. And when they stopped their cheering, (“MACYS. THANKSGIVING DAY. PARADE!”), my sister and I started a back and forth “We’ve got spirit, yes we do, we’ve got spirit, how ‘bout YOU!?” And we did that a few times with about 40 cheerleaders joining in.
  • SANTA!!! How does one get that job? Does he just have to have his own padding and not be drunk? (Miracle on 34th Street reference.)
  • After the parade was over, we got to see City workers immediately swiveling the traffic lights back into place. Always a sight to see.
  • While the streets were still closed, my sister took an amazing photo of me. New profile pic!
Processed with VSCO with preset

Oh, and selfies with balloons. Which needs its own gallery of photos. 

Not to mention that my sister and I LOVE Macy’s and have a special appreciation for most people’s least favorite balloons: The Macy’s Stars! We took selfies (ussies?) with all of them!

After the parade, I went home, still on a high, and watched the parade’s broadcast on NBC. I caught the last 45 minutes and got to see Santa AGAIN! Then I took a shower, FINALLY had coffee, and headed to Penn Station, aka Dante’s 10th circle of hell on Thanksgiving Day, and headed to South Orange, New Jersey.

I had Thanksgiving dinner at my sister’s husband’s brother’s house. There were twenty people there! The food was DELISH and the bar was #STOCKED. I think I had 3 gin and tonics before dinner, then a few glasses of wine at dinner. The only thing I will complain about… No mac and cheese! Unfortunately, since they keep kosher, there was delicious turkey, but it meant we couldn’t have cheese. That’s ok, I know there will definitely be some at Christmas in Texas.

Lastly, remind me to never take the NJ Transit back into New York on the night of Thanksgiving. It was standing-room-only, filled with New Yorkers escaping the suburbs, and there were drunk people everywhere. Also, at that point I had been awake and in constant motion for 16 hours. It was not pleasant.

Maybe next year the plan will be Parade, then movie marathon in bed. But ALWAYS Parade. Until next year!

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Big City Living, Miscellaneous

Macy’s Parade Ultimate Viewing Guide

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I am quite possibly the most experienced Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade viewer that you will ever meet. I already told you about my long history with The Parade. As my Thanksgiving gift to you, I am sharing with you my ultimate guide of tips and tricks for watching the parade. I will do a separate guide for those in New York watching LIVE vs. people watching remotely. Although, let’s be honest, y’all should just come to NYC. It’s worth it.

LIVE VIEWING DO’s and DON’T’S:

  • DO attend the GREAT BALLOON BLOWUP the night before! It’s going on right now! 1-8 pm around the Natural History Museum.
  • DO dress in layers! This is self-explanatory. It’s cold AF and you’ll be standing still for a LONG time.
  • DO wear comfortable shoes. It’s a lot of hours. All standing.
  • DO go out drinking the night before. Then you’ll be dehydrated the next morning. Trust me, this will come in handy.
  • DO set 4 alarm clocks. Especially if you’re drinking the night before.
  • DO bring snacks. And breakfast. You’ll be hungry.
  • DO charge your phone and bring an extra charger. You’ll need it. Here’s why:
  • DO post incessantly on social media. Instagram and Snapchat needs to be jealous! Make sure the world knows that you live in the greatest city in the world and you only walked 10 blocks from your apartment to view the greatest parade on Earth.
  • DO tweet constantly @macys #MacysParade.
  • DO call all members of your family from the parade route so they are jealous. One year, my brother was in Israel and he called us from ISRAEL so he could feel like he was part of the action.
  • DO try and find any of your friends or relatives who are walking in the parade.
  • DO scream their names like a crazy person until they see you and wave.
  • DO still make sure you record the broadcast at home!! If you view the parade in person, you miss all the talent acts that take place in Herald Square. You will need to watch it in its entirety later! Also, you’ll want to see the commercials. More on that later.
  • DON’T be afraid to push people out of the way.
  • DON’T be intimidated by children. Feel free to tell those 3-year-old bastard children that now is not the time to be on your dad’s shoulders. There are 30-year-olds who wanna see Santa too!
  • DON’T drink coffee in the morning. Porta Potties. Need I say more?

AT-HOME VIEWING DO’s and DON’T’S:

  • DO wake up with enough time to brush your teeth. I’d normally allow 10 minutes before 9 am.
  • DO watch the entire thing. Show performances from 9-10 am. Rockettes somewhere in the middle. Santa at the end!
  • DO have a printout of the lineup with you so you can check off acts as they perform, and so you know what’s coming up.
  • DO watch Miracle on 34th Street directly after the end of the parade! We did this every year when we lived in Florida. It’s basically just an extension of the parade.
  • DO watch the 1947 version or the colorized version of it. This may belong in the DON’Ts section below, but don’t watch the 1994 version with Mara Wilson. Unless you’re watching both. Then it’s ok.
  • DO watch out for the special balloon this year commemorating the 70th anniversary of the movie!!
  • DO download the Macy’s app! They have amazing features you can use even from home! Like transforming yourself into a Macy’s Elf.
  • DON’T miss the beginning! You need to hear Amy Kule (the Executive Producer of the Parade) say “Let’s Have a Parade!”
  • DON’T fast-forward through the commercials! Many advertisers debut their best commercials of the holiday season during the Parade. There are always articles about how it’s a brand’s dream because everyone loves Thanksgiving. No conflicts of interest.
  • DON’T feel bad about tweeting constantly @macys #MacysParade even if you’re watching from home. Yes, I said this before. And I’ll say it again.
  • DON’T MISS SANTA! I already sorta said this above but, DUH.

And the most important:

DON’T MISS IT!!! According to the official website FAQ, “This once-a-year event is best watched live! Unfortunately, no reproductions of the broadcast are available for sale or distribution.”

Also, FYI, as much as I’d want to get proposed to during The Parade, it’s impossible. This is also covered in the FAQ. SEE YOU GUYS ON CENTRAL PARK WEST!!

SANTA! I KNOW HIM!!!!
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Big City Living

Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

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Tomorrow is one of the biggest days of the year for my family. Not because we gather together, not because of the food, def not because we are thankful. Because of one thing and one thing only: THE MACY’S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE.

Note to Readers: This post is solely about the importance of the parade and my history with it. This is NOT about this year’s parade. Do not fret, I will post about the 2017 parade after it happens.

My family has a LONGGG history with the Macy’s Parade. That’s right, it’s the Macy’s Parade, not the Thanksgiving Day Parade, and NEVER the Macy’s DAY Parade, as some incredibly ignorant people call it. My dad used to work for Macy’s. In fact, he started at Bloomingdales as a seasonal employee, and stayed on with Macy’s for 17 years. He worked in the offices in Herald Square above the massive flagship store. That is also the store where my mom showed my dad which ring she wanted as her engagement ring, and also the store where he bought the ring, when he came down on his lunch break. Like a said, we have a longggg history.

When I was growing up, my dad got tickets to watch in the grandstand through work, so we would make the annual VERY early pilgrimage to NYC from New Jersey to watch in the stands. There is a classic photo of my mom and sister and I bundled up watching the parade. My mom is in the photo holding a bundle of blankets aka my baby brother at the time, who was 9 months old. I told you we take this parade sh*t seriously. Ain’t no baby holding us back! That puts me at 2 years old, a pacifier in my mouth, and another pacifier in my hand, JIC. Obvi. And my sister at 8 years old, having the MOST fun.

When I was 10 years old, my family moved to Florida and we had to continue our annual tradition from 1,200 miles away. We would wake up early (8:45 am was early when I was a teenager), and watch it on the TV. It was a very different experience sitting in the living room of our central AC house, watching people standing and shivering for hours on the street. TBH, I really missed it! But we created new traditions of watching on TV, having my mom cook eggs and bagels (THANKS MOMMY) and then having her join us to watch the real parade at 10 am, after all of the show performances in Herald Square that happen from 9-10.

Then, after college, my parents moved to Philadelphia, which is so close, but so far from NYC. The one year when I was still in Florida, I flew up to for Thanksgiving. Did I fly to Philly where my parents live? NO. OF COURSE NOT. I flew to New York for The Parade!! My brother took a redeye train from Philadelphia to New York to meet my sister and me for some Macy’s fun. After 12 years of Florida Thanksgivings, I was not used the cold and I was freezing my bum off. But I loved every minute.

Fast-forward a year. When I was choosing a law school, my main concern was proximity to The Parade (caps intentional). I chose Brooklyn Law School because it was just a subway ride away. Ok, maybe that’s not entirely true. But I WAS very excited to come back to Parade proximity!

Since moving back to the big apple, I have had many Parade-viewing experiences, from good, old-fashioned street viewing (the most legit), to a swanky, invite-only NBC watch party with unlimited mimosas and food, and free pillows (the most comfortable, warm and bathroom-friendly option), to actually having tickets to the Uptown 76th Street Grandstands (the most celeb-spotting spot). All of them were fantastic experiences for different reasons.

Last year was the year I was in the Grandstands, and I don’t know if I will ever be able to beat that view. Unfortunately, it meant waking up before the crack of dawn to arrive by 6:30 am, and it meant no bathrooms once admitted. However, we had an amazing view and we had SEATS! Also, we made friends with the people around us and played many rounds of taboo waiting for it to start. Better yet, I had MULTIPLE sightings of my oldest true love, Al Roker. <3 <3 <3

How did I get tickets to the Grandstand?? Welllll, better even than the grandstand, my sister was IN THE PARADE!! She was a handler for the Diary of a Wimpy Kid balloon! As they say in Today, “Though it’s a volunteer position, being a balloon handler is not an easy gig to get. Many volunteers land their slots through recommendations from Macy’s employees.” In fact, you must be a Macy’s or Bloomies employee or friend of an employee to get a spot! Last year, my sister asked the right people, and they put her in touch with someone who made her lifelong dream a reality. My sister loves me, so she asked if I, too, could be a balloon handler. Unfortunately, there were no spots left. But because I am her sister, I got the consolation prize, which was not a consolation prize at all: tickets to the grandstand.

One may say I even got the longer end of the stick because I got to sit down the whole time. Being a handler is not easy! But still, over 3,000 people do it. In fact, there are physical requirements and even training sessions. After all, it’s a 2.5 mile walk in the cold, while holding 100-foot balloons. And everyone who does it is a volunteer! That’s how I know I am not the only one obsessed with the parade. There are thousands of balloon handlers out there who live for this.

I’m pretty psyched. I will be posting my ultimate guide: Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Watching Tips later today. And if you’re already too busy in transit on the biggest travel day of the year to read my blog, then HAPPY THANKSGIVING. I’ll say hi to Matt Lauer, Savannah Guthrie, and Al Roker for you!! #IBelieve

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Fitness

How much is that Peloton in the Window?

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As you may remember, the only Spin class I will pay for is at Peloton (usually). I’ve written at length about the experience of riding live in the studio, but I had never had the experience of being an “at-home rider.” That all changed last Friday. I wasn’t at home, per se, but I was in the window, for many passersby to see and wave at me, and I did get to watch Emma Lovewell LIVE from 2,783 miles miles away. That’s an exact number.

Last week, I traveled to Los Angeles for work (more on the trip later), and on my first day there, I stumbled upon a Peloton Showroom. If you did not know, Peloton has only one studio, in Manhattan, but they sell their bike worldwide, and they livestream the classes from New York all over the world. They currently have more than 25 showrooms in the USA, where they sell the bikes and apparel. When I accidentally came upon the showroom in Santa Monica, I absolutely had to go in, but not before taking a photo to post on my Instagram story.

When I walked in, I met Deano, the nicest salesperson I’ve ever met. He laughed about me taking a photo for my insta-story, and we chatted for more than 30 minutes. I knew it wasn’t just a sales pitch, because we discussed right away that I wasn’t buying a bike. I told him I lived in a New York apartment, and therefore it was the size of a closet, and therefore a Peloton bike would have to take the place of like, a couch or a table or both. He motioned to the corner of that store and was like “haha yea, your apartment is probably like, this big.” HAHAHA. LOL. SO FUNNY. But for real.

Anyway, Deano and I talked about how the company was a unicorn, and how it somehow grew rapidly by finding a niche hole in the market that needed to be filled. I told him that I only had the experience of riding in the studio, and how I had never ridden the bike with the big screen. (The bikes in the studio have littler Ipad mini-sized screens, since they don’t have to show the video of the instructor.) He told me I should come in to take a class live in the window. And I knew I had to, simply because of the blog. And also because of snapchat. And Instagram. Oh, and also because it was my favorite price: FREE!

Two days later, I popped into the showroom, and Justine and Christopher (equally as nice as Deano) were there to fulfill my window-riding dreams. They gave me spin shoes in my size, a water bottle and a towel, and Christopher promised to take many Instagram-worthy pics. I was ready to roll. I logged into my account (LongLegsBigCity, DUH), and I was off! I took Emma Lovewell’s live DJ ride, where the DJ spins the tunes and we follow Emma’s cues. It was so fun, especially because people were walking by the showroom windows the whole time, pointing and gawking, and I just waved to them like a princess. A very, very sweaty princess.

Pros:

  • I got an amazing workout.
  • I got to feel famous riding in the window.
  • I got bombass pics for Instagram.
  • I had an awesome experience I could blog about.
  • I got a free Peloton workout!

Cons:

  • My knee has been bothering me a lot lately, so I couldn’t pull the big numbers on the leaderboard that I am accustomed.
  • Emma is a relatively new instructor and I hadn’t taken her before, she isn’t my favorite. How does she ride with her hair down and not get sweaty?? It’s very irksome.
  • I don’t love riding with headphones on, it’s one of the best parts of group fitness, feeling unencumbered and still having loudddd music.
  • I realized, after sweating buckets, that I had never once ridden a spin bike in full light before. Not only were the lights on, but the doors of the store were open, I was in the window, it was afternoon, AND the bike had spotlights on it because I was in the window! It was SO HOT. I was chugging water the rest of the day to rehydrate.

The best three parts about the at-home rider experience vs. the studio:

  1. They track your best output in real time, so you can constantly chase your own best numbers on the leaderboard. For example, at 10 minutes in, it showed my best output at 140, and I was hovering at 80. I told you it was a rough ride. Anyway, it’s very motivating to chase your PR throughout the class.
  2. When you ride at home, you are on the leaderboard with hundreds to thousands of riders at a time. It’s awesome! In the studio, you are only on the board with the 60 people in the studio. Peloton literally is a noun that means “the main field of cyclists in a race.” And the point, according to their website, is for “riders in a peloton to work together, conserve energy and perform better because of one another.” This is easier achieved when you know you’re in it with 1000 other people!
  3. Beyond the ride! They had a 5 minute post-class stretch, and they have other classes like arms and abs classes that you can’t see in the studio, but you can see at home. I tried to do the stretch, but it was a little cramped in the window space. Maybe next time.

Yesterday I got back to New York, and of course I had to take a Peloton class in the studio with Cody. I got the big numbers I didn’t manage to get on Friday, and I feel like some of that is because I feed off the energy of those around me. Also because Cody is the BOMB. Long story short: It’s an awesome experience if you don’t live in NYC, and it’s incredibly unique, but if you can get yourself to the studio, DO IT!

Check out the photos below, Christopher did a great job!

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Big City Living

Siren Frenzy

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Up until this morning, I was convinced that I was slowly losing my marbles, one ambulance at a time. I am here to announce something exciting: I am NOT losing my mind.

Let me set the scene: 9 months ago, I switched apartments, but I stayed in the exact same building. My old apartment had a window in my room that faced a busy street, and I lived on the fourth floor. I heard noises constantly. I heard cars, I heard honking, I heard 3 am food deliveries as the Whole Foods trucks backed into the garage for 10 minutes straight. It was annoying at first, but I became accustomed to the noise. I had, after all, lived in New York City for 6 years.

Fast-forward to February, when I moved up to the ninth floor, and my windows now faced an interior courtyard. When I first tried to sleep in my new apartment, I could barely quiet my mind, because of the lack of background noise! I felt like I was sleeping in a suburban cocoon. I know some of you out there probably think this is a good thing. And it was… eventually. Three months passed, and I became accustomed to the lack of noise, and I was sleeping like a baby.

THEN, all of a sudden there were sirens. Sirens during my TV shows that I wasn’t sure if they were coming from the TV or not. Sirens that were waking me up in the middle of the night. Sirens on the street so loud that I had to turn up my music, or tell the person I was speaking to on the phone (probably my mom), to wait a minute until the ambulance passed. I’m not just talking about the regular, run-of-the-mill siren, I’m talking EPIC noise.

After a few weeks of this, I tested the waters and started to ask a coworker and a friend, here and there, if they were noticing these sirens. Turns out it was only me. I received a few strange looks, and a few comments like, “um yeah, there are sirens, this is New York.” Or, “Yeah, didn’t you notice you live smack in the middle of Mt. Sinai and St. Luke’s? You’ve lived in the same building for 5 years.” I felt like I was in the first scene of Mr. Holland’s Opus when he realizes his son is deaf, except everyone else in NYC was the deaf baby at the parade who couldn’t hear the fire engines.

Anyway, after a month of asking other Upper West Side-ers about the possible siren change, and a lot of fruitless googling, I decided to give up and come to terms with the fact that I was losing my sh*t, and/or maybe my hearing was improving with my old age.

Sidenote: There are a LOT of videos of sirens on YouTube. I do not recommend watching them in succession, it will only make you crazier.

Fast forward to this morning: my coworker (who I had told about my siren anxiety) told me she was listening to WNYC and that the sirens HAVE indeed changed with the times and I am actually a sane person! She linked me to the 2-minute piece, which is aptly named, “No, You’re Not Imagining It: Some NYC Ambulances Sound Different.” Sure enough, the piece specifically talks about how they have switched from a “wail” siren, to a “high-low” siren to penetrate the newer, more sound-proof cars. Both of those siren terms, BTW, I learned from my obsessive YouTubing.

Moral of this story: I am not crazy. Happy Monday.

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Travel

Durham, North Carolina

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WEEKS ago I went to North Carolina for the first time. Since then, I have been to 4 other states, but my travel schedule hasn’t allowed me to keep up with my blogging schedule so I am here to fill you in. The best part about delaying a travel recap blog for weeks is that my memory fades, so I can only give you the Cliff Notes, abridged version of my trip. Trust me, this is better for both of us.

TL;DR: I went to Durham, NC 4 weeks ago for emoji-bf’s cousin’s wedding. The first day I explored alone, I had amazing coffee, tried out a new fitness studio, saw friends I had not seen in a decade, and met their kids (mind. blown). I explored the Duke Chapel and met very nice Uber drivers. I practiced all my professional wedding guest tips, danced a LOT, was very much a token light-skinned person, learned what the Liberian Grand March is, and I drank a lot.

Some highlights:

Let’s start with something I’m sure my emoji bf would consider a highlight more than I did. Our flight was delayed, as it ALWAYS is. Emoji-man and I have epically bad flight luck together. It’s basically inevitable that we will be delayed 1-24 hours on at least one leg of any trip we take together. This time, the delay was three hours, so we arrived in to North Carolina at 2:15 am instead of before midnight. At that point, I called an Uber. I knew we were staying at the Marriott City Center, so we waited ten minutes (not bad for 2:30 am in NC), and we hopped in our Uber. We arrived at the hotel to find that they did not have a reservation. I was not pleased. It was after 3 am and I looked to emoji bf with a large emoji question mark on my face. He insisted he had made a reservation. Welllllll, turns out it was 100% my fault, because we were staying at the Marriott City Center in Durham, and I had put in the Uber app the closest Marriott City Center, which was 2 minutes closer, in Raleigh. OOPS. I promptly called another Uber and we finally settled into our room in Durham around 4 am. Emoji bf was sure to tell me multiple times that if it had been his mistake, I would not have been pleased. He won this one, I would have been PISSED.

The next morning I woke up and after a night of sitting in airports and traveling, I was ready to get moving. I had done my research on fitness studios in the Durham area – clearly more in-depth research than I did on where our actual hotel was. I googled “best fitness studios in Durham” and saw that the third studio listed was walking distance from our hotel. Also, I was used to drop-in class prices in NYC being $25-42/class, and I saw that SyncStudio had $14 classes. You couldn’t beat that… I THOUGHT. WRONG! They have a partnership with this thing called ZenRez, where you can get last-minute offers for same day classes, used to fill the classes. I got my class for $9! I booked it on my phone, grabbed my lululemon and my phone (thank goodness for Google maps), and made my way to SyncStudio. The people in the lobby of the hotel thought I was crazy for walking there, but it only took 11 minutes door to door. Suburbanites. Anyway, I went to a TRX Circuit class taught by Kyle, and he used an all-Rihanna playlist. I had a BLAST and I was sore for days! It was an awesome class, only made better by Kyle’s energy and music. I now follow him on Spotify and so should you. We also took an awesome boomerang and gif. Find us trending on Instagram.

I spent the rest of the day exploring Durham. I ate a DELICIOUS panini at Toast, which I discovered from FourSquare. Am I the only one who still uses that? Anyway, it was so good that I actually posted a pic on Instagram of my food, a big no-no. I also had a strange but amazing chocolate habanero cold brew coffee from another FourSquare suggestion, The Parlour. It’s known for its ice cream, but I highly recommend cold brew as an alternative. I walked around for a few hours taking in the city (/village) and discovering amazing murals and street art throughout.

That night, there was a pre-wedding welcome night, but it didn’t start until 10 pm, and I was kindly informed that it would be running on CPT, so we should not arrive before 11:30 pm. That left me with a lot of time, so I arranged a rendezvous with two of my long-lost friends from high school and college. One of the friends, I met from MySpace when he was in the Army and I was in my junior year of high school. Myspace, guys. That’s how long I’ve known him. Anyway, we became best friends throughout college after he left the military, and he now has a wife and child, neither of whom I had met. My second friend I also know from high school, where she was an amazing volleyball player, winning the state championship for the school, and I would chase after balls trying to keep up with her in gym class.  We also went to college together (Go Gators!), where we lived in the same apartment complex and people frequently thought we were the same person. I still don’t understand that. She ALSO now has a husband and a child, neither of whom I have met. I dragged my emoji man to Motorco, which has “college-friendly prices” (quote from emoji’s sister), and we had a fun night reminiscing and catching up on one another’s lives. The best part of traveling the country for weddings is catching up with friends from near and far.

 

Saturday started out rough because I had way too much to drink at the college reunion, and then even more at the pre-wedding 11:30 pm gathering. But no matter, I went to the hotel gym to sweat it out with all of emoji’s family, sans emoji-bf himself. Emoji’s older sister challenged me to a plank-off, where I proceeded to sweat piles of gin onto the floor. After a shower, I dragged emoji out of the hotel to explore the Duke Chapel, as suggested by a friendly Uber driver the night prior. The architecture was breathtaking, and it was fun to be on a college campus on a game day, even though we didn’t get close to the stadium.

After Duke, we went back to the hotel to clean ourselves up for the wedding. I was impressed with us. Sometimes I forget how I look when my hair isn’t soaked in sweat. Gross but true. The ceremony took place in a Baptist church, where I was almost definitely the only one thoroughly confused by everything going on. Thankfully, I know enough about weddings to smile and wait for the vows, which made me cry, as usual. Then, after the ceremony, I was instructed to stay back for what is the #1 most awkward thing for every plus one at every wedding ALWAYS: PHOTO TIME. Do I go in the photo? Do I not? Is 2.5 years of a relationship enough to get a spot? Or do I wait until I have an engagement ring? Or a wedding band? What is “family?” In this case, it is extra difficult because I don’t exactly blend in with the rest of the family. The last thing I want is to be in a photo that the bride and groom do not want me to be in. I think my heart rate was elevated 20 BPM from the stress. OY VEY! (Am I allowed to say that in a Baptist church??) Ultimately, I did not go in the photos, but then was dragged in for the last 3.

Next up: The reception!! I gave you my tips earlier this week about how to rock a reception, and I practiced all of my tips religiously. The second I stepped in the room, I found the open bar. Sure enough, there was already a line. I parked myself in line, ordered two drinks, and learned the bartender’s name. The rest of the night went smoothly from there. The speeches were short and sweet, and the entrances of the bridal and groom’s parties were epic, each with their own dance moves. I hit the dance floor myself and I even learned and did the Liberian Grand March. One of emoji’s cousin’s explained the Grand March to me, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had done it before. After a few more minutes, it dawned on me that it was simply a combination of the Conga line and the Israeli Folk Dance Yesh Lanu Tayish. Basically, years of South Florida Bar Mitzvahs prepared me for this specific combination of dances and this exact day. I knew I had to be training for something. The night was a BLAST, and luckily, the reception was across the street from our hotel so we could stumble back and pass out. I stuffed a few extra of the party favors, Dove chocolates, in my purse for the plane the next day, (that little remnant of Jewish grandmother in me never ceases to surprise me), and I headed out.

Only 1 day left until The Last Wedding of 2017. I’ll keep you posted!

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Long Legs and other Personal Problems

How To: Professional Wedding Guest

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In the past 3 years, I have attended so many weddings, I call myself a professional guest. In the past 2.5 years, I’ve had emoji bf on my arm, and we have gotten it down to a science. This upcoming Saturday, we are attending yet another wedding, and in honor of it being the last one on the books for 2017, I am doing all of my readers a favor and imparting my sage advice.

Never, I repeat NEVER , agree to be a bridesmaid. Being a bridesmaid is more than the title, it is basically indentured servitude. I know this from watching my friends as they perform their serf duties to the almighty Queen Bride, not from actual experience, since I have ONLY had to do this one time. Being a bridesmaid means a lot of things. For starters, it means you’re going to drop $2 grand on the occasion, at the very least. You are required to be at all events, you need to fly to a destination bachelorette, you have to go to the bridal shower, you have to buy a godawful dress you will never wear again and it will unquestionably make you look like a rotund banana, you have to shell our hundreds of dollars for hair and makeup, and of course, you have to smile the whole time and lie to the bride. Am I exaggerating? Maybe a tiny bit. But if you are a bridesmaid, you should probably just declare bankruptcy and block off all of your weekends for the six months leading up to the wedding. Also, being a bridesmaid means being in all of the photos. This takes away from valuable open bar time. Which brings me to my next point.

Always find the open bar as soon as you enter the reception. This is possibly the best advice I can give you. Keep your eye on it, and always know if the line is getting long. If you are assigned a table, but not a seat, it is important to position yourself at the table so you can view the line at the bar at all times. You will thank me for this.

Take selfies. If you didn’t take selfies, did the wedding even happen? Also, you can take many photos of the bride and groom, but they hire professionals for that. Don’t waste your time. Take one photo of the happy couple, then stick with the selfies.

Learn the bartender’s name. Also tip him, but knowing his name is key. Back when I was a wedding guest novice, I was embarrassed when the bartender remembered me and my drink order. Now that I am a professional, I realize how useful this is. Why waste a valuable second explaining to the bartender that your vodka soda should have a splash of grenadine? This is a second that you could be burning calories on the dance floor!

Always have two drinks on your table before the toasts begin. Once you’re on a first name basis with the bartender, this should not be difficult. You should be on a first name basis before the toasts, if all goes well. The worst thing at weddings is being stuck at the table during interminable speeches with no alcohol and no clandestine way to escape to the bar. Once the toasts begin, you are trapped at your table for 10-60 minutes. Always be prepared. I learned that in Girl Scouts.

Dance!! Nobody likes a downer wedding guest. Also, no one is judging your dance moves. If someone is sitting at his/her table judging you, it’s only because he/she is jealous of your moves. Plus, killin’ it on the dance floor is a good way to get into a lot of wedding photos, without having to be in the wedding party. Load up on the liquid courage (it’s FREE!) and get it moving. Limbo, electric slide, wobble, even a little Mambo #5. It’s all a blast. Also, the more Fitbit steps you get after midnight, the less you have to get the next day. Which will come in handy, since you will undoubtedly have a slammin’ hangover (see tips above about boozing it out).

Bring Flip Flops. This goes hand in hand with dancing, and it’s the “adult” version of bringing socks to Bar/Bat Mitzvahs as a 13-year-old. How can you break it down on the dance floor if your feet hurt!? If you bring alternative footwear, you’re sure to have a better time.

Photobooth. The more props the better. Photobooth pics are better party favors than anything that the happy couple will actually give out. Also, the photo quality in photobooths is usually better than a phone camera. Some of my favorite wedding gems of the professional guest couple, (that’s us), have been from photobooths!

Borrow Dresses. It’s inevitable that you will be in photos. And it’s also inevitable that you will have worn every dress in your wardrobe at least once if you go to as many weddings as I do. Luckily, I have a best friend who wears the same size! I often shop her closet when I am out of options in my own. Other possible options for cheaper dresses: TJ Maxx or Rent the Runway. But I am a bigger fan of borrowing because it’s my favorite price: free!! Another option which may not work for everyone – wear your prom dress! I did this for a formal wedding last year and it was a huge hit (See: the feature photo and the first and last photobooth photos above.) 10 years later, still rocking it! It finally paid off being overweight in high school; it’s a bit too big on me now!

Buy a gift off the registry or give cash. Never go off-script here. I’ll never forget when my sister received what everyone thought was an ashtray for her Bat Mitzvah. Now, logically, of course we did not think any of the guests would have purchased smoking paraphernalia for a 13-year-old, whether or not she was officially a “woman” in the eyes of the Jewish faith. But still, who would buy a mini silver tray for anyone, anyway? This is a tidbit I think about whenever I go to buy a wedding gift. If they wanted a small silver tray, they would have registered for it. And if they didn’t register for it, guess what, they didn’t want it. Don’t be a hero and find something obscure they must have “forgotten” to register for. They didn’t forget. Or, give them some cold hard cash. It doesn’t have to be enough to “cover your plate” anymore, but don’t give $20 either, only your 90-year-old grandmother can get away with that.

I will report back next week after the Final Wedding of 2017 to tell you if all of my tips worked out. As of right now, I only know two engaged couples, so here’s hoping I don’t have a single wedding in 2018! My wallet will thank me.

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Big City Living

Marathon Sunday 2017

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Yesterday was the most wonderful day in NYC: the NYC Marathon. No, I didn’t run it. I am not crazy enough to pay to rip all of my toenails off and poop my pants. JK, I am crazy enough, but I’ve entered 4 times and I’ve never won the lottery. Anyway, on Marathon Sunday, the buzz in the New York air is palpable, and it is the only time when New Yorkers take their earbuds out and voluntarily speak to strangers, cheering them on in the ridiculous physical feat of traversing all 5 boroughs in rain, sleet or snow. Yesterday, it was rain. Lots of it.

My marathon day always consists of many traditions, none of which involve running: first, I wake up early to watch the start of the race on TV and listen to all of the personal interest stories. I love a good sob story early in the morning. Then, I grab my marathon sign, which I worked hours on tirelessly the night before, and I go to the east side to cheer on the semi-fast runners (not elite, not stragglers). I try to spot all of my friends running by stalking them on the TCS Marathon App, then I proceed down to Maya for brunch. I knew 15 people this year!

Brunch involves of 2 hours of unlimited drinks and unlimited tapas. I stuff myself and continue to binge drink and eat as runners stream past the windows, huffing and puffing. After I am huffing and puffing solely due to the overdrive my body is doing to digest the feast, I go back out to the street for my favorite part of the race: cheering on the stragglers. Then, I continue to drink and celebrate 50 thousand people who did amazing things, me not being one of them. Let me break down my day further.

Sunday morning, I set my alarm and woke up at the crack of dawn. Crack of dawn = 8 am, when all of the actual marathoners were already on Staten Island, but no matter. 8 am is early for a Sunday for me. I slipped on some lululemon in solidarity, then went into the living room to turn on ABC. Thankfully, I was able to get my dad’s cable login, specifically for marathon-watching purposes. He told me to test out his login by logging into Fios and trying to pay his bill. I didn’t fall for that.

Anyway, I started watching the great news anchors at their posts throughout New York City, and I watched the wheelchair race, which had already begun. Feeling a bit guilty that I wasn’t running, I did a mini workout in my living room, because 5 minutes of jumping jacks and crunches pretty much equals 26.2 miles of running, right? After about 45 minutes of intermittent squats and lunges, I took a quick shower and got back to the TV just as the commentators were telling Meb’s life story. What an inspiration. Then, just as Shalane was about to cross the finish line (TOTAL BAMF), I left the house to go watch some of the marathon IRL.

I walked ten blocks to the bus, so, basically a half-marathon, and then went across town to 1st Avenue. Then, I walked another 14 blocks, so basically a full marathon. I was trying to track so many runners this year. Unfortunately, I don’t know whether to blame the weather or my inability to use technology, but I only found one of my friends!! Extra kudos to Kerong for looking fresh-like-mile-1 at mile 16.5. You killed it!!

After unsuccessfully trying to find 8 more friends, I went in to Maya for brunch, ready to stuff myself to the gills. We had a reservation for 16 people, and 15 of us showed up. Not bad, friends. There were 4 couples in attendance, one of which is getting married next weekend. Talk about dedication to Marathon Sunday!! Also in attendance was our Marathon Sunday Long Island/Jersey crew, aka my high school best friend’s aunt and friends, who we binge drink/eat with every first Sunday in November. We love getting together to stuff ourselves and cheer on runners.

This year, my friend’s aunt brought her best friend who has a daughter who just wrote an amazing book, This is Really Happening. Ok, full disclosure: I haven’t read it yet, but I’m sure it’s great. She brought me a SIGNED copy as a thank you for organizing brunch, and I promised to read it ASAP and review it on Goodreads. I will blog about my addiction to Goodreads in the near future.

The author of the book, Erin Chack, is ALSO a senior editor for Buzzfeed. Talk about a coincidence – my main goal on marathon day is always to get on Buzzfeed for my signs! Ever since my 15 seconds of fame, 4 years ago, when I was featured on Buzzfeed (#30!), it has been my ongoing goal to make a reappearance. You can see some of my previous signs in my post about my own Half Marathon Training from earlier this year. I owe my friend’s aunt for making that connection, or shidduch, as they say in Yiddish. It’s WHO you know, not WHAT you know, after all.

We went outside after brunch and continued to cheer on runners/stragglers and take some fun photos. BUZZFEED, ARE YOU THERE!? IT’S ME, EMILY. Maybe that’ll be my sign next year.

After the NYPD cleaned up the streets, told the remaining runners to proceed to the sidewalk so they could take away the road barriers (and take more photos with me, obvi), we went on to the next bar. The remaining 6 left standing from brunch went on to Pig & Whistle in midtown and chatted some more. Then, I went to the West Village to congratulate some friends from my run club who also ran/cheered all day. It was an awesome day filled with yelling, cheering, and walking. I may not have run a marathon, but I did scrape the whole back of my ankle open by wearing the wrong socks with my boots. Does that count? Check out my battle wound below. Until next year! Maybe I’ll actually win the lottery this time and lose my toenails! If so, y’all better come out strong with some signs!! And all of those who ran yesterday, Happy Medal Monday, wear that hardware with pride!

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