Sizzling City Summer

• Outside. We already covered this. Avoid at all costs. But if it’s impossible to avoid, reduce your outside time to small doses. That means if it’s more than 5 blocks away, it is now out of your “summer radius.” Enter Seamless/GrubHub/instacart. It’s worth the delivery fee. You’ll save that money in the amount of water you’ll save by not having to shower for the fourth time that day.
• Rooftops. Plainly speaking, they are closer to the sun. Also, heat rises. It’s science. Some of us still believe in it. If someone asks you to grab drinks and chooses an outdoor rooftop in summer, with no air conditioning, they clearly hate you. Decline politely. Or not politely. Automatic swipe left.
• Subway Stations. Now guys, I know this is unavoidable since we are already not walking more than 5 blocks. But if at all possible, avoid this. Can you take the bus? Subway stations are notoriously hot. Standing on the street in the heat and sun, though counter-intuitive, is actually much cooler than descending into this Hades-like death trap. It’s comparable to the depths of hell, I’m pretty sure. When people tell me I’m going to hell (happens a lot on the phone at the rabbi job), I generally tell them I am well prepared because I’ve been in a subway station in the summer. If it’s a subway station that has the option to wait upstairs, do that until the last possible moment. TRUST ME. Is it worth a cab? With MTA fares increasing every month, the answer is, probably yes. Or use Via. It’s only 5 bucks! (And you can get $10 free if you use my code emily5s6e #ShamelessPlug #HelpMeImPoor #InsertReminderThatIWentToLawSchoolForNoReason).
• My Spin Class. The YMCA has been having some trouble controlling the temperature in the Spin room. 33 people. 33 bikes. 4 fans are simply not enough. So far, no one has fainted in my class but it is only a matter of time. I accidentally closed the door for 3 minutes (one song), and the mirrors in the front of the room completely fogged up. I drew a heart with my finger. But what I really wanted to draw was “KILL ME.” For some reason, nobody left before the 60 minutes of class were over. I would like to credit my amazing playlist (follow me on Spotify!), but I think these people are just SUPER-driven. If I wasn’t teaching, you can bet I would have pranced out of there by the second song.
• A Subway Car with No AC. At this point, most New Yorkers have read about the epic F Train Near-Massacre last week. Everyone’s worst nightmare: the subway was between stops with no wifi, and it lost power. No power = No AC. People were stuck for almost an hour. They stripped off their clothes. They asked for help by writing on the fogged up windows like in my spin class. They screamed. They cried. Horrific. This phenomenon of subway cars with no AC requires its own blog post. For now, just know that as a rule of thumb, this is the ultimate thing to avoid.

Long story long, there’s no good place to be in New York City in the summer. It’s crowded, it’s hot, and it’s way too small. There are bad places, and there are worse places. My advice: make friends with someone who has a house in the Hamptons. Then tell me who they are, because I’ve been here 7 years and I haven’t found one yet. Godspeed, fellow New Yorkers, it’s going to be a scorcher. And please, for the love of god, do not forget deodorant.