Miscellaneous

Meal Prep & Money Saving

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I’m here today to talk about my most recent money-saving venture: meal prep. In 2018, I had a resolution to bring my own iced coffee from home instead of buying, and it seemed to save money (about $900/year). When I first decided to try and meal prep, I wasn’t convinced it saved money. In fact, I’m still not convinced. Simple math: I used to spend $6-8 on lunch per day, with the occasional $12 day. I still feel like I spend a similar amount in groceries, but something happened a few weeks ago to change my mind: I actually did the calculation.

My friend posed a question to Facebook-world: “How much do you spend per month on groceries?” Somehow, even with living in New York, I spent less than almost everyone on the thread! I checked my mint, and I averaged $146/month over the past year, but $170 since December when I started bringing my own lunch ($274 if you include eating out & delivery, but I won’t go into that). That means I only added $24/month to my grocery bill to make about 18 lunches/month. That’s CHEAP.

To be fair, I really spent $340 on groceries, but I split it with my emoji-bf, whose lunches I also make. I know, I know, I’m a catch. But still… $170 for myself.

On the Facebook thread, people asked me how I did it, and I promised a blog. But spoiler alert, it’s not a huge secret. The main secret: it takes a LOT of time. The secondary secret: Trader Joes. Not only does TJ’s have the lowest prices I’ve ever seen (especially on organic berries and meat), but they also have some great pre-made/pre-seasoned things. And I’m always trying to cut down on time, so that helps.

Every lunch I make has the same formula: protein, vegetable, lots of seasoning, and some carb (preferably whole grain).

I’ll separate those three parts and lay out some of my fav options, while interspersing some of my go-to recipes. I have started putting my recipes on my Instagram story when I meal-prep, and some of my friends take screenshots to make the recipes for themselves. I’m such a trendsetter! And budget-setter!

Protein:

TJ’s is a game-changer here. I buy their organic chicken breast (thin-sliced). And I buy a LOT of it. Literally last week the cashier asked if I was preparing for the apocalypse. But I just freeze it! Then I always have chicken in the house. And I can season it however I want to make something for the week. Also, TJ’s has some pre-seasoned proteins we like. Here are a few of our go-to items:

  • Pesto Genovese Chicken Breast – we love this
  • Shawarma Chicken Thighs – my bf’s favorite
  • Pollo Asado – Also good, especially in taco bowls! I throw in black beans, onions, brown rice and fresh spinach – tada!
  • Chicken Sausage – Again, game changer. At Trader Joes they have a million options (roasted garlic, jalapeno, sun-dried tomato, smoked andouille, etc.) and they are about $4 for 5 links. At my regular grocery store they are $8.99 so this is a HUGE savings. They are fully cooked, so it makes for great, easy meal prep or last-minute dinner. Also, they don’t expire for a while so I can keep it in the fridge and wait for a day when I don’t want to cook but also don’t want to spend money.

Veggies:

TRADER JOE’S, MAN! Are you sensing a theme?? They have the cheapest produce. Sometimes when I put a lunch together, the vegetables are raw, sometimes baked, sometimes sautéed, or sometimes steamed. TJ’s has a lot of “steam in bag” options, so I mostly buy these, in case I run out of time to bake or stir fry them.

I love brussel sprouts, zucchini, broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach. Our lunches usually contain these. The best part of making all the food is I get to pick what’s in it!

Carbs:

Carbs are a necessity for my emoji-bf for lunch. He says he doesn’t feel full without them. Before I started meal prepping, I often bought salad for lunch. And even though it filled me up, I must admit that a carb added helps me get through the day. I often don’t eat between 1:30 pm when I finish lunch, and 9:30 pm when I get home from teaching Spin class. 8 hours is a long time without food! Carbs help me power through.

  • Brown Rice. This is usually what I make because I can put it on the stove to simmer/cook, then do the laundry, or take a shower, or even go for a short run. I’m all about double tasking. Also, it’s SO CHEAP. Especially at Trader Joes. I buy Basmati sometimes, or Jasmine, both are good, and incredibly cheap. It’s about $4 for a bag that can make 20 lunches or more.
  • Pasta. Again, I always try to use an alternative grain instead of white. I like the brown rice and quinoa fusilli pasta, or red lentil pasta, or vegetable radiatore. All of these are about $3/bag and make 6-7 lunches.
  • Refrigerated ravioli: TJ’s has some awesome ones and they are all cheap, but these are the unhealthiest carb option of the bunch, and heaviest, so I usually reserve them for dinner. Some of my favorites: Butternut Squash Triangoli, Lobster Ravioli, Honey Roasted Pumpkin, Spinach Tortellini, but our absolute FAV: Porcini Mushroom & Truffle Triangoli. Did I mention, these are each about $3??

Seasonings:

Again, I love Trader Joe’s for this. I can cook chicken a million ways using some of my favs:

  • Everything Bagel Seasoning! If you don’t have this, RUN and get some. It’s good on veggies, salmon, chicken, bagels… pretty much everything.
  • Umami Mushroom Seasoning Blend – “on its way to cult favorite status”
  • Red Curry Marinade
  • Soy Teriyaki (I love to throw chicken in a ziploc in this for 24 hours then simmer in a stir fry with fresh veggies. DELISH!)
  • Tikka Vegetables or other of the $1.99 Indian non-refrigerated packets. These come in many options, some veggies, some with lentils. I usually will add lots of fresh veggies to this mix and simmer on the stove. Sometimes I’ll add chicken sausage and there’s a whole meal!

Now that you know what I like the cook, the questions are how and when? I ask myself this, too. I thought I was totally tapped out on time since I have 5 different side hustles, but somehow, I’ve managed to fit this in. I usually try to complete all food prep for the week in under 2 hours. The best way to do this is by multi-tasking and buying lots of containers.

  • CONTAINERS
  • But still wine.
  • I wasn’t kidding about the containers.
  • So many.

You need to go in with a plan. I always try to cook in the least amount of time, and with the fewest dishes to wash (also cuts down on time washing less). I try to always be using at least 2 or 3 cooking methods at a time –

Example to save time: roast chicken in the oven while cooking rice on the stovetop and steaming veggies in the microwave.

Example to save dishes: boil pasta in a pot, split that into containers, then use the same pot to cook and season ground turkey, then add in the sauce and veggies in the same pot, and let simmer for 20 minutes, all while baking salmon in the oven for dinner (on foil… no dishes).

One dish!
  • Example of Tomato Sauce in process.

You guys get the idea. I hope this helped a little bit, even if for no other reason than to give you a shopping list of things to buy at Trader Joe’s! This blog is not sponsored, by the way. But if you have any connections at TJ’s and want to throw them my way for some coups, I’m all in! Buon Appetito!

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Miscellaneous

Blondes Have More Fun

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It’s true! I have been blonde for 5 days now and I’ve been partying ever since. To be fair, it’s also been my birthday, so that may have something to do with it, but I haven’t had this much fun since I was 19!

On Wednesday, I turned 32 (WOOF, right?). To treat myself, I decided to balayage my hair. I had been thinking about it for a while, but I couldn’t bite the bullet because it’s so expensive! I finally decided it was time because a friend of mine hair-shamed me. She saw a photo of my hair that I posted on my braidstagram, and asked if it was me. Instead of complimenting my FAB skills, she asked me if I was growing out my roots intentionally. RUDE! The answer was yes and no.

This is the photo I was shamed for. It’s so pretty though, right??

In years past, I always went light brown/blonde in the summer, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to! So, I had let it go a bit too long. And people noticed. Or at least, one of my friends did, and the others were too nice to say anything. I decided to look into some Groupon deals, and sure enough I found a great one with fab reviews at Salon Ascend, not too far from my apartment. Even better, they had an appointment open on the Sunday of my birthday celebration!

I bought the Groupon for “Hair Painting, Color Melting or Balayage Color with Glaze and Shampoo” for $118 (usually $240). Also, I used 2 additional coupon apps (Honey, anyone?) and ended up only paying $94! A steal! When I made the appointment, the receptionist told me to set aside 3 hours, which seemed steep, but I made sure to pack a book, a water bottle and some coffee.

Of course, the day of my appointment it was 94 degrees and despite my cold shower after my run, I could not stop sweating. I arrived looking like a hot sweaty mess, and asked for a few minutes to cool down. My colorist, Margarita, was super sweet, looked at some photos I showed her for inspiration, and said she would mix the color and let me sit in the A/C for a few minutes. Praise be.

The actual process was WEIRD. I have never had my hair professionally highlighted before, but it takes a WHILE. They weren’t kidding about the three hours! She was very thorough, and I think I had 7 pounds of saran wrap on my head when I was finished. Then I sat. And sat some more. Margarita kept checking on my color, and telling me to wait a bit more. She cut two people’s hair while I waited, and then we went to the sink. I got shampooed and then she put in a purple toner and I waited some more. This time, no saran wrap, just a huge plastic bag on my head. It was a LEWK. After some more waiting, I went back for another wash, and we discussed a possible hair cut. The Groupon didn’t include a cut or blow dry (there’s always a catch), and although it’s usually $90 because #NewYorkPrices, she said she would do it for $60. I usually pay $30 to cut my hair, but I also don’t usually get a blow dry. And I didn’t feel like going to another salon after already sitting there for 3 hours. I said yes.

She did an AMAZING job. I LOVED the color and the cut, but mostly the color! Margarita told me to buy a purple shampoo to keep the brassiness out of my hair, and I purchased the same exact one she used on me in the salon for $10 on Amazon. Not bad!

The manager/receptionist/someone said she would take an “after” picture with a ring light and backdrop so the color would show more. She knew what she was doing and she even took a slow-mo video without me asking! I set it to Nicki Minaj “Anaconda” and posted it on Instagram (swipe to the second pic to see). I told her that I had a hair Instagram and I would tag her; I think she was thrilled at that. Maybe in the future I can even get some balayage for free, because I think I’m HOOKED!

I highly recommend treating yourself on your birthday, especially if it is something that makes you smile every time you look in the mirror! Happy Birthday to me!! I can’t wait to braid it and have those highlights shown to Instagram in all their expensive glory!

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Long Legs and other Personal Problems, Miscellaneous

Credit Card Churning

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You’ve probably heard the phrase “money doesn’t grow on trees” or, “there’s no such thing as a free lunch.” Well, ladies and gents, I’m here to tell you that everything you learned is FALSE and there is a such thing as free money. It’s in the form of credit card bonuses and it is complete sorcery.

http://gph.is/1a4df5e

I was never part of the magic until I met my emoji boyfriend who got me in DEEP with “credit card churning,” and I’m loving every second of it. We actually have a little jig we do in our house called the “free money dance.” Not lying. Churning basically means that you get a new credit card to access the sign-on bonus, and then after a certain amount of time, you get another one, and start all over again. Some people think that this affects your credit score, which it does, but usually not enough for it to matter if you do it right. In general, a hard inquiry, which is what a credit card company does every time you apply for a new card, affects about 10% of your credit score. But if you do it infrequently enough, then your credit should be fine.

Yesterday, I just signed up for my 7th credit card in 3.5 years’ time. Aka the amount of time I have been with my boyfriend. It all started when we began to talk to each other about finances. These finance bros get off on this stuff. JK. But really, he was very interested to hear about my student loans, etc. We got to talking and he found out that I had a credit score in the middle 700’s, but had a credit card running balance of about $4,000. He was FLABBERGASTED. Literally, I think I had to pick his jaw off the ground. Maybe not literally, but he was gaping at me. He told me he didn’t understand how a person with my credit score could be paying interest on a balance, when I could just open a new card and do a balance transfer to buy myself time. Now, guys, if you’re confused, I was, too.

Quick explanation: Another reason people like to open credit cards is because they offer “balance transfer offers.” This means you can open a card, transfer your outstanding debt to a new card, and they offer to not charge you interest on it for a certain amount of time. I looked at this, realized I was getting free money, and I was HOOKED. I was able to pay off my credit card debt by saving all of the money I would have been spending on interest, and I did the same thing with my private student loans! I transferred my $6.5K from Wells Fargo to a credit card, and I have been making minimum payments for 18 months, without paying any interest! I have enough money now to pay them off by May, when the interest will kick in (this particular card had a 21-month interest-free grace period).

Again, balance transfers are not even the tip of the iceberg of this money, as the “real money” lies in the sign on bonuses. It seems crazy to me that this free money exists out there in the universe and people don’t access it left and right, but the truth is, most people don’t know how! There are millions of Reddit threads on the topic, but it can get very technical, very quickly. I am lucky to have an in-house financial advisor who is patient with me and explains the intricacies. I will try my best to give an equally-as-elementary explanation here.

I am not new to this credit card business. In fact, growing up, our family used to carry around little laminated cards in our wallets that my dad would make, to remind us which cards to use every quarter based on the percentages back we would get on different categories of purchases. Example: January through March, you should use the Discover card for gas, and the Visa for groceries; they’re 5% back. My parents still do this! This is #LevelExpert, and I do not recommend it for novices. Also, although 3% v. 6% does add up, most people “churn” for the bigger money bonuses. The Showcase Showdown, if you will, is the sign-on bonus.

Here’s the simple summary: credit card companies want to hook you on their cards, so they offer a bonus if you sign up and spend a certain amount of money, generally within the first 3 months. These bonuses differ from card to card – sometimes it’s miles, sometimes it’s points, and sometimes it’s cold hard cash in the form of a statement credit. The catch here, of course, is that you need to “spend money to save money.” The trick is not to open a card with a sign on bonus if you will need to make purchases you wouldn’t normally make in order to get the bonus. However, sometimes it’s still worth it if you come out on top!

Here’s an example: when I signed up for the Amex Platinum card, they offered a $1K bonus but you needed to spend $5K in 3 months. That is MUCH more than my budget, if you don’t include rent. So, I paid my rent on the card for a month to make the minimum. Rent in NYC is high. Now, this complicates things because my landlord charges 3% on credit card payments. But overall, it was still worth it to get the bonus.

I see some of you guys rolling your eyes, saying that this whole process isn’t worth it. But I ask you, if someone said you’d get $1,000 for it, wouldn’t it be worth it? That’s the trick. You need to get a bonus that’s big enough to be worth the work.

So far, I have gotten:

  • Citi Double Cash for 18 months interest free
  • Citi Diamond Preferred for 21 months interest free
  • Chase Sapphire Preferred for 40,000 bonus points
  • American Express Platinum for 100,000 bonus points
  • American Express Charles Schwab Platinum for 60,000 bonus points
  • American Express Blue Preferred for $200 back
  • Barclay’s Arrival Plus World Elite for $700 in travel back
https://gph.is/2OWJkaQ

I want to let you guys know, I am not the only one out there doing this. A lot of people do, especially if they know they have big purchases coming up where they will be dropping a lot of mulah anyway. Another example: a friend of mine got the Amex Platinum because he bought his fiancée’s engagement ring with it. So savvy.

I have traveled many times now by using bonuses. My trip to Spain last year cost me $120 out of pocket. My trip to Costa Rica was completely free. Durham, North Carolina? Free. I also transfered $110,000 Amex points to a Charles Schwab investment account at 1.25 cents/point, which means I got $1,375 FOR FREE! I have been very fortunate to have someone explain this to me and I hope I have been helpful as well.

Still confused? Try checking out The Points Guy; he is one of the most famous churners on the internet nowadays, and you can filter cards by the category you want rewards for (airline, cash back, etc.). He does receive money from clicks, and he does have partnerships with certain cards, but he is pretty clear when he receives kickbacks from companies, and he is also very reliable with his information. He even has a beginner’s guide!

A few warnings & tips:

  • If you have bad credit, you may not get approved for certain cards. Most credit cards rely on your credit score when they decide whether to approve you. You can check your credit score for free on Credit Karma to see where you stand.
  • Opening cards does affect your credit score, as I said earlier, so don’t do it too often. The general rule of thumb is to not open more than 2/year, or one every 6 months.
  • Closing accounts too often can also affect your score. When you close a card, your overall credit limit decreases. This increases the percentage of credit you are using (or “utilization”), and lowers your credit score. Try to keep the account open. You don’t need to use the card, just keep it in a safe place. At home.
  • Beware of annual fees! Some of these cards charge hefty annual fees. Sometimes it’s worth it for the bonus but be aware. You can always downgrade the card after you get the bonus, before you have to pay the annual fee the next year. Downgrading means keeping the account open but changing it to a less prestigious card without an annual fee. This way you aren’t closing an account, but you aren’t paying fees. I did this with my Chase card, switching from Sapphire Preferred ($95 annual fee) to Freedom ($0 annual fee).
  • Don’t carry a balance on cards. It can be very tempting to buy things. Especially when it takes 45 seconds to be approved on a new card, and they grant you a $12K credit limit straight out the gate. IT’S A TRAP! Make sure you can pay off your statement balance when it’s due, otherwise you owe interest and then THEY WIN.
  • A related point: If you’re opening a card to do a balance transfer, make sure you set up auto-payments for the minimum payments. You don’t pay interest, but you still have to make minimum payments, and you don’t want to miss those. Just set it on auto-pay and forget about it. Otherwise they charge interest and again THEY WIN. DON’T LET THEM WIN!

I hope this was helpful. I am not a financial planner. I am not good at this stuff. But I am understanding it more and more every day, and if I get free money and free trips, then I feel obligated to share the wealth. By wealth, I mean knowledge. Y’all b*tches aren’t getting’ any of my trips!

Do you guys have any other tips or tricks? Card recommendations? I’ll need a new one in 6 months!

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Miscellaneous

Reproductive Rights Conversation with Jodi Picoult & Dr. Willie Parker

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As you may know, I LOVE to read. I have many “favorite” authors, but my all-time favorite author is Jodi Picoult. One of the best parts of the internet is that you can follow celebrities, keep up with them, and even sometimes (if you’re lucky!) interact with them. One of my 2019 resolutions is to be better at Twitter, and one way I discovered that I am more likely to check in on my Twitter is by following people I’m interested in. Enter: Jodi Picoult. She has such a great Twitter. Not only is she funny, but she’s very liberal, like me, and often retweets other people I want to follow. But I digress, this is not about Twitter in general, it’s about one of her tweets specifically, when she mentioned she was coming to NEW YORK!:

I clicked on the link, because obviously I wanted to join her. And guess what? The conversation was being held in a venue 9 blocks from my apartment. It felt like it was meant to be.

The theme of the talk was reproductive rights. Not only would Jodi (we’re on a first name basis) be there, but Dr. Willie Parker as well! Jodi’s most recent book is about a shooter inside an abortion clinic, and I was enthralled by the plot on page 1. She based the main character in the book, Dr. Ward, on Dr. Willie Parker.

I love reproductive rights. Really though. I know that sounds weird, but I feel very strongly about a woman’s right to have independence over her own body. In fact, in law school (#RIP that career), I was on the board of Law Students for Reproductive Justice. And yes, sometimes that position involved searching the internet for STD facts for our annual Sex Ed Trivia fundraiser, but it was for a good cause!

I could not wait to be in the same room as Dr. Willie Parker, a world-renown doctor, abortion provider, and author. I have not yet read Dr. Parker’s book, Life’s Work: A Moral Argument for Choice, but it has been on my to-read list for a year. I guess I’ve been too busy reading Jodi’s stuff. I knew they would both have interesting things to say, and I also looked forward to their interaction with each other, since they seem so different.

There were a few tiers of tickets, but I bought the cheapest one because… law school loans. Also, the other tiers all included a copy of Jodi’s book and I already have a signed copy, natch. Even my best friend knows about my love for Jodi Picoult, so she mailed me a signed copy all the way from Seattle a few months ago. The day before the event, I was so excited that I tweeted about my enthusiasm, and Jodi replied! She said she couldn’t wait (to be in my presence, no doubt).

https://twitter.com/LongLegsBigCity/status/1100600221690679296
  • LOOK AT WHO REPLIED!!
  • My signed copy of A Spark of Light

I arrived super early because it was blocks from my house and I got a prime seat. The conversation itself lasted for an hour and was moderated by Lizz Winstead, a hilarious Writer/Producer/Comic, Co-creator of The Daily Show, and fierce advocate of reproductive rights. She founded Lady Parts Justice, an organization dedicated to raising awareness of legislative attempts to block women’s reproductive freedoms (straight from Wikipedia, so it must be true). Between her witty commentary between questions, and both Jodi and Dr. Parker’s thoughtful answers, it was a fantastic experience. Most notably, Jodi talked about her experience shadowing Dr. Parker in his clinics for a few days while researching for her book. I loved her description of Dr. Parker’s calm and meaningful bedside manner. And then, she broke out the best story of the night: She said that they did a lot of driving together while she was shadowing him, because he works at clinics in two different states. Once, he was driving and they were eating M&Ms and he dropped one. He was looking for the missing M&M between the seat and the center console and he said “Man! It’s tighter in here than operating in a woman’s vagina!” The whole audience burst out in laughter while Dr. Parker looked to the sky for God’s forgiveness and then to his wife in the front row to mouth “sorry.” The whole thing was hysterical.

Although the vibe of the conversation was light-hearted, they both tackled tough issues. They spoke about the right for a woman to have autonomy over her body, and about the importance of a common language in speaking about reproductive rights, like the difference between a “baby” and a “fetus.” My favorite thing Jodi said was, “Laws are written in black and white. But women’s lives are lived in hundreds of shades of gray. For that reason, it is important not to let laws control our lives and bodies.”

I didn’t get a chance for a selfie with Jodi or Dr. Parker, but I did get some photos of them and I did get a very happy ending. As I walked out of the venue, there was a table outside for Lady Parts Justice, and I asked how to get involved again in supporting the cause. I leaned down to sign up for their mailing list, and two of the girls tabling complimented my hair. I explained about my side hustle, Braid in Manhattan, and they were both elated. They said they would love for me to help them with events and collaborate. I could think of nothing better than reproductive rights, volunteering, and braiding all in one place. I can’t wait to work with them and make a difference, even if it’s by brightening a woman’s day with a FIERCE hairstyle. I’ll keep you posted!

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Long Legs and other Personal Problems, Miscellaneous

Resolutions 2018-2019

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As 2018 comes to a close, I want to check in with you guys on your resolutions. Did you make any? Did you stick to them? I wrote a blog last year where I challenged you to make a few, and it’s only fair to tell you guys how I did with mine, as well. Quick refresher, my three resolutions were:

  1. Plan myself less; have 1-2 FREE nights/week.
  2. Get back in the pool and start swimming again.
  3. Do more weight training to become stronger. 

The first one was a half-win. I booked myself permanently for Tuesday nights as “date nights,” which made my free time 1/7th less. However, I told my emoji-bf that our date nights didn’t need to be excursions all the time; it could be Netflix & chill. Sure enough, we did that a lot. I did a better job of not making plans on Fridays, which I always regret when I make them. I am so busy all the time, especially with travel (another blog coming soon on my 2018 travel recap), that it’s nice to sit at home and veg out every once in a while. I think I will continue this resolution and roll it into 2019.

Speaking of rollovers, my second and third resolutions were actually leftover from 2017. I did a much better job at these! For swimming, I moved to an apartment that was closer to a gym with a pool, which was incredibly helpful. Before Tuesdays became date nights, I was swimming every Tuesday. Also, after I unfortunately sprained my ankle AGAIN over the summer, swimming provided a great alternative cardio workout. I even swam for weeks using a buoy between my legs, and only using my arms. I felt so much stronger, and my ankle always felt better after stretching just by dragging through the water resistance. I have fallen off the swimming a bit in the past 2 months because of date night and because it’s COLD! I don’t like being wet and walking the (albeit short) 9 blocks home.

Swimming is always easier with a friend to push you!

My last resolution to weight train more has been incredibly successful, again thanks to my proximity to a new gym. I found two classes a week that I enjoy: A Sunday morning boot camp class, and a Wednesday evening TRX interval class. Between these two classes, I have increased my strength and I have gained self-esteem by realizing I can do things I didn’t realize before (like hold a handstand against the wall for a full minute!) Adding non-cardio workouts to my routine has helped me stick to a diversified schedule, and the secret was just finding instructors I liked, and small classes to keep me accountable.

I get down on myself when I fail at resolutions, so it’s important to recognize success where I can find it. I am all about positive reinforcement, even for myself. I like to recognize and pat myself on the back occasionally. Some of my ongoing resolutions that I have been able to stick to are:

  • Make coffee at home. I prefer iced coffee, so I used to buy it out every day. I have been incredibly successful at making it in advance at home. I have spent a mere $169 on coffee shops in 2018. This may seem like a lot, but I used to spend $75/month! That’s a reduction of $731 for the year.
  • Speaking of saving money and budgeting, I have continued to stick to my mint. I may not be saving yet but, but at least I know where each of my dollars is going. That’s the first step.
  • Travel more internationally. As I mentioned before, a blog about my 2018 travel is coming soon. I have fallen off a bit with my travel blogging, but I did make it to three countries outside the US this year, and two of them were new!
  • Tweet more. Last year at this time, I had about 510 tweets. Now I have 1,147! Not bad! I’m still working on it. Follow me @longlegsbigcity!
  • Save for retirement. My work has helped me with this; they have an amazing plan where if I put in 6%, they put in 8%! It’s basically unheard of. I was doing really well before our Commander in Idiocy crashed the market last week. Oh well.
  • Read 4 nonfiction books/year. I have succeeded! This year I read 41 books so far, and 12 of them were nonfiction. My nonfiction selections were: Becoming, The New Jim Crow, Tuesdays with Morrie, Lean In, So You Want to Talk About Race, So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed, Lucky, Wild, When, Shrill, The New Rabbi and What Happened. Follow me on GoodReads for recommendations!
Traveling internationally for the first time with a backpack! (and Purple Bear)

I’m excited for 2019, and I will try and continue these resolutions, as well as add on a few more. My two main resolutions are:

  • Food prep more and bring lunch to work. This means traveling less on the weekends, so I have Sundays for food shopping and cooking. We’ll see if I succeed. I have my doubts because I already have 3 weddings on the calendar.
  • Get BraidInManhattan.com up and running and monetize the braiding hobby into a braiding business! Right now, I purchased the domain and I have it redirecting to my Instagram (I’m up to 1,336 followers!). For 2019 I want to do more hair for weddings, prom, events, etc. Do you know anyone who needs a stylist?

What are your resolutions? Do you have any? Leave them in the comments or let me know how you did with your 2018 ones!

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Miscellaneous

MoviePass is a Pain in the Ass

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How many emails do you have in your inbox from Mitch Lowe?? If your answer is “0” or “who the heck is Mitch Lowe?” then I guarantee you are not a Moviepass subscriber. I know that because my inbox is FILLED with emails from him. In fact, at this rate, I’ll have to upgrade my google storage. Mitch Lowe is the CEO of the now-infamous Moviepass, and he has been spamming subscribers with emails weekly (or more) with changes to the plan, making it more and more of a hassle.

If you have been living under a rock, here is some history. Moviepass is a subscription service where you pay a certain amount per month, which allows you to see movies in the movie theatre. It used to be that $9.99/month got you unlimited movies. The one caveat was that not all movie theatres participated. But most did. Now, things have changed drastically.

When the company started, there was much speculation about the staying power of a company that seemed to hemorrhage money. After all, a regular movie ticket in New York costs $18; it seemed too good to be true! Someone had to be losing money. And sure enough, somebody was: Moviepass. Ultimately, they lost so much money the app literally stopped working. On July 26th, they went SO bankrupt that their app wass inoperable, and they borrowed $6 million from investment firm Hudson Bay Capital Management to “turn it back on.”

https://twitter.com/MoviePass/status/1022643819043532800

But did Moviepass give up? NOPE. Many articles online were published speculating about the end of the service, calling the new changes to its services a “going out of business sale,” or wondering just HOW low the stock prices needed to drop before Mitch Lowe and his company Helios and Matheson gave up.

As of the writing of this blog post, it still refuses to die. But it officially sucks. They have decided to keep the company operable and continue to take money from subscribers, but the difference is… there are no movies you can see on it anymore! It is actually a genius idea. Moviepass has subscribers paying for a monthly service that basically provides nothing!

The first change came with “ticket verification.” This was where they required you to take a photo of your ticket stub and upload it to the app. They said this was to avoid fraud, but I had an inkling that it was just for them to test the waters as to what kind of changes people would put up with. Then came the movie caps: 3/month for your subscription instead of unlimited. This still seemed reasonable, especially the way ticket prices were in New York. However, it did make people wonder how they could just change the terms. Turns out everyone agreed to basically any change in terms in the small print. SURPRISE!! The third change came in the introduction of a tiered plan, where you could pay more for more movies. Then they introduced “peak pricing.” Then they decided only CERTAIN movies would be available. But you didn’t know which ones, and you couldn’t be sure when, since it only showed movies for a certain day on the day of. There was no planning ahead.

Now, they have a whole different thing going on, where certain movies are offered in the morning, but by the time the theaters actually open, they have disappeared from the app. This is extra funny because the way the app works, you need to check in to the movie, and then purchase the ticket within 30 minutes. This new trick of theirs makes this impossible, as the movies have disappeared from the app within 30 minutes of the theater opening! I have no idea why they would do this. Advertising money? Providing extra frustration for customers hoping they will jump ship to another movie subscription service? I am clueless. All I know is, it is frustrating AF.

There are other companies popping up with alternatives to Moviepass, which look better by the day. There is AMC Stubs A-List, which offers unlimited movies (including IMAX!) and e-ticketing options in advance, but it’s twice as expensive and only good at AMC theaters. Then there is Sinemia, which is $10-$15/month, depending on how many movies you want to see. If you want to avoid a hassle, I would definitely say to switch. However, $20/month for movies is $240/year, which is a steep price! Also, if you are locked into an annual plan with Moviepass, you might be SOL like me.

I signed up for Moviepass through Costco, which was offering a $79/year annual pass. It seems crazy that I signed up for a year and they continued to change the plan on me! Actually, even Moviepass wasn’t sure at first if they could do it. At first, they continued to offer unlimited movies to annual subscribers, and they did not apply peak pricing. But then they said FUCK IT WE ARE SCREWING THEM ALL! And they did. As of today, there are 11 movies showing at the theater near my house, and only 2 of them are available on Moviepass. And of course it’s the shitty ones.

As an annual subscriber through Costco, there is an option to cancel my membership in the next 3 days, before August 31, for a refund. Costco is providing full refunds for anybody that cancels and is holding MoviePass funds in escrow/threatening legal action for changed/cancelled plans. I am strongly considering this, since the hassle is not worth it anymore. There are still movies I would like to see, but Sinemia seems like a much calmer way to do it.

And in the meantime, if I see one more email in my inbox from Mitch Lowe… Nevermind, I don’t know what I can do, there are no options! I did see 30 movies in 7 months for $79 though, so… whatevs. I should probably stop complaining.

The page from my bullet journal of all the movies I’ve seen… look at all those check marks!

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Miscellaneous

Ikea Delivery Service, XPO, Is THE WORST

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Good Morning Blog-Subscribers! How was your day yesterday? Was it sunny? Was it cloudy? Did you do lots of cool things? I’d love to tell you how the day was here in New York City but I can’t. Because I was homebound for 9 hours thanks to Ikea’s delivery service, XPO. THEY. ARE. THE. WORST.

I don’t generally use my blog to complain about things unless it really irks me to my core. Example: Soulcycle. But one of the things I hate the MOST in this world is wasting time. I am a born multi-tasker. You may know this since I have a full-time job, a part-time side-hustle, I upkeep 3 Instagram accounts, braid 2-3 people’s hair/day and post on two twitters. The twitter upkeep I don’t do so well. Anyway, as you can see, I am a busy person. I don’t have time to sit around and waste, especially not when I am paying someone specifically to not waste my time. I think I aged 50 years waiting for this delivery.

Let’s start at the beginning, on July 9th, I ordered one dresser. Since I hate wasting time, I decided to pay Ikea to deliver it instead of trekking to the store. Also, I don’t have a car #NewYorkCityProblems. Delivery was scheduled for July 19th. On the 19th, they didn’t deliver. Why? Well, they said it was because I wasn’t home. Here’s the problem with that: I HAVE A DOORMAN. WHO WAS THERE! It would be one thing if Ikea had a “no delivering to doormen” policy, but they never said that. Also, I know for a fact that they do not have this policy because they have delivered to my doorman before. In April. Of this year. But whatever. They didn’t deliver so I had to go online and reschedule the delivery.

I rescheduled the delivery for yesterday the 24th. Already, I was upset because in the age of Amazon I am not used to waiting more than 2 days for a delivery, and I had already waited 15 days! Also, OF COURSE, the only delivery options were Monday through Friday.

The XPO website said I would receive a call with a “delivery window” the day prior to delivery. I was scared I would miss the call. Beginning at 8:30 am, I had my phone on me the entire day. Literally. I brought it in the bathroom with me. Don’t worry, I sanitized it. Do you think they called me at 9 am? 10 am? Maybe 1 pm?? NO. I tried calling the XPO number listed in the email confirmation: (888) 888-4532. Guess what? IT ISN’T IN SERVICE.  I tried looking for a direct Ikea phone number. SAME NUMBER. Fantastic. So I waited.

They didn’t call until 4:32 pm. I should have taken this as foreshadowing for the next day. Hindsight is 20-20.

They gave me a delivery window of 1-5 pm. It could literally not be any more inconvenient. It couldn’t be the morning so I could just go to work after it arrived. It couldn’t be late afternoon so I could leave work early. No, it had to be in the middle of the day so I left work at 12 noon, because god forbid they came 30 minutes early and I wasn’t there. So, I got home at 12:30. And I waited. And waited… and waited some more.

At 4:45, I still had no delivery. I decided I should probably call Ikea or XPO, in case they closed at 5 pm. I had very low expectations for them at this point. However, as I said before, none of the listed numbers were valid. But I did have the phone number they called me from the day prior!

I tried it and after 3 automated menus I got a real person! I told her my order number and she told me I had a delivery window of 1-5 pm. At this point it was 4:55. I informed her of this fact. She told me she would “check on the status” and put me on hold. And I waited… and waited.

34 minutes later (yes, this is an exact number), another woman picked up. She asked how she could help me. I was barely containing my anger at this point. I told her that I had already spoken to someone and asked her to promise not to put me on hold again. She told me she would check on my order, and SURPRISE, she told me that I had a 1-5 pm delivery window. It was 5:33. I informed her of this fact. She told me she would try to check in with the driver. True to her word, I didn’t hear any hold music but I think she put herself on mute. 4 minutes of complete silence later, she told me that my truck had “mechanical issues in the morning” and that they were running on an “extreme delay.” THIS MORNING?? I lost it.

I asked her why, if they had problems this morning, I was never informed of it before I left work. She said she didn’t know.

I asked if by “extreme delay” she meant 7 pm or 9 pm. She said, “9 pm… hopefully.”

I asked, isn’t this delivery coming from Elizabeth, NJ? She said yes. She blamed traffic. I told her that traffic will account for a 1 hour delay. Maybe 90 minutes. Not 8 hours. I told her I could WALK to the store in New Jersey faster. This is a fact, I checked on Google Maps.

I asked to speak to a supervisor. She told me she WAS a supervisor.

She told me that she could tell them to hold the delivery and deliver on another day. I hysterical evil-laughed at her. I asked her how she thought that was possibly a solution.

She told me she would call me again in an hour with an update. She did not call.

I tweeted at Ikea (multiple times). They did not reply.

https://twitter.com/LongLegsBigCity/status/1021899474942271489

https://twitter.com/LongLegsBigCity/status/1021899962697875456

7:26 pm: I get a call from an unknown number. SURPRISE it’s my delivery guy. He is “2 minutes away.” How in the world is that helpful? If I wasn’t home, I couldn’t get home in 2 minutes. And if he had the ability to be calling me, shouldn’t he have done that in the morning? Before I took off of work? I was livid.

Also, they weren’t 2 minutes away, they were 20 minutes away.

When they arrived, I tried very hard not to take my anger out on the delivery guys. It was probably not their fault. But then they asked me how my day was. I couldn’t hold it in. I told them I had a terrible day because I was homebound waiting for them, and I had to order in dinner because I couldn’t go to the grocery store. I had to miss work. One of the delivery guys tried to one-up me by saying he had been outside since 5 in the morning. To which I said, “Ok, well are you getting paid for that? Because I am specifically NOT getting paid because I am here waiting for you.” That shut him up right quick.

They brought in the boxes and left. And I fumed. And I wrote this blog. And now, I will work on my SEO for this piece, so that every person who thinks about using Ikea delivery in the future will find this in page one of their Google searches and will think twice about using XPO. They have a monopoly directly with Ikea, but you can hire someone else to pick it up AND assemble it! Use Taskrabbit! They are more reliable AND have better customer service because their business literally depends on your rating and feedback. Many of them have 5 stars.

I will also be writing to Ikea, attempting to get compensation for the HOURS of my life I will never get back. Hopefully an update will come soon. Although I do not have much hope, as I was retweeted by an account that is literally call “IKEA fucked me too.” Seems like a common problem. They even asked me to sign a petition.

 

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Miscellaneous, Travel

Sara’s Beacon Bachelorette

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This may sound unbelievable to you, but over the weekend, I went to my FIRST EVER bachelorette party! I know, I know, you’re all calling me a hypocrite since I always talk about weddings but it’s true! I am a PROFESSIONAL wedding guest but a total novice bachelorette attendee. I think this is because most of my weddings are out of state, so it is either impossible to attend both the wedding and the bachelorette, or I’m just not invited to the pre-festivities because my friends know I can’t come. In the case of last weekend, it was the opposite! The wedding is out of state, and I can’t go because I’m DOUBLE booked with weddings, and they are on the same day in different states! Since I can’t go to the actual simcha (HEBREW WORD ALERT!), I knew I needed to go to the bachelorette to shower the bride.

Even though this was my first time attending a bachelorette, and it was the least bachelorette-y bachelorette ever. Thanks to the bride-to-be, of course. She is a very low-key gal, and she insisted on no sashes, tiaras, penis necklaces, etc. When asked if we were a bachelorette party, she insisted we were just a “group of girls.” (Cue “Huge Group of Girls” below.) One of them just happened to be about to be married.

Our festivities started at Grand Central Terminal, where all great festivities begin. Clearly being facetious there, but to be honest, it’s nicer than any airport, and it’s less of a hassle because I can carry any liquids I want. Our fearless leader, aka bachelorette-organizer-extraordinaire, aka Arielle, got to Grand Central early and purchased our tickets. We were all miraculously on time, and boarded our chariot to Beacon, NY. Chariot = Metro-North Train.

There were 6 girls total, which is a great number. Not too many girls, but not too few that someone feels left out. Also, it turned out none of us knew each other too well, which was fun! I feel like I got to meet awesome new people, and since we weren’t close to begin with, there were no cliques. Arielle told me she was not a big photo-taker, so I nominated myself to be the picture-taker. I have plenty of practice thanks to this blog. (Do you know how many ice cream photos I took during #30Years30IceCreams?? More than 400.)

Anyway, after taking the obligatory train selfie, we arrived in Beacon, and grabbed a cab to our hotel. We stayed at the Roundhouse in Beacon, which was a very bougie hotel. Unfortunately I did kill a bug on our bathroom, and the sheets had questionable stains on them. But hey, we got money knocked off our bill, so #WorthIt!

We dropped our bags down, and boarded our second chariot of the day, a large black SUV! Arielle had liaised with a concierge-type service for wine-tasting, called Hudson Valley Bucket List. We had our own private driver who doubled as our Instagram-bf for the day (Shoutout Jonathan! Awesome pics!), and they took care of everything. They dropped us off first at Nostrand Vineyards, where we tasted 6 wines, and decided on two to buy to accompany our lunch. Our concierge wine tour set up an adorable pop-up picnic on the lawn behind the tasting. We had private cheese plates, bread, and sandwiches. We even had a green salad. Everything was perfect, besides the heat. But I am basically in a constant state of sweating from May-September, so I cannot blame the wine tour for that. After lunch, I didn’t think I was too drunk but… I guess I was. Because I forgot my phone. I was too busy taking pics, I guess! Double shoutout to Jonathan for turning around and getting my phone. Also triple shoutout to Jonathan, driver-extraordinaire, for having warm chocolate chip cookies for us in the car! Once we picked up my phone, we headed to the second stop: Glorie Farm Winery. This one had a much more rustic feel to it, but it was fun because it had actual grape vines we could pose with. Jonathan came in clutch with yet-another photo opp. We shared another bottle of wine and then packed back in our SUV to return to the hotel.

The original plan was to take a nap or freshen up for 2 hours before dinner. Most of us realized that if we went to sleep, we’d never wake up again, so we went to explore the town of Beacon. We left our one California girl to take a nap, since she had been awake for about 30 hours at that point. We took a (sweaty) walk down main street, looking in the shops, and had a stop at the end for ice cream at Beacon Creamery, much needed by that point. You know I love me some ice cream, especially in new places, and this one did not disappoint! They had a lot of obscure flavors, which is my favorite. I opted for Ginger-flavored ice cream, which was yummy and even had pieces of ginger in it!

We went back to the hotel, SHOWERED, and changed for dinner. Then we walked to dinner, and thankfully it had cooled down a bit. We didn’t know at the time, but that was because it was about to torrential rain. We got to dinner just in the nick of time. We ate at The Kitchen Sink, an amazing farm-to-table restaurant where everything was fresh and yummy! Props to Arielle, our organizer, for making a reservation, because multiple people were turned away! We hung out at the table, trying to wait out the rain, but eventually made a mad dash next door to a wine bar for dessert. The wine bar was… interesting. It had live music so we thought it might be raucous. But no. It was veryyy romantic. And date-y. We stuck out. We didn’t even order wine. We decided to walk back to the hotel in a light drizzle of rain. Another girl in our party had the foresight to call the hotel and ask if they could set aside dessert/coffee/tea for us, and they said they would.

When we arrived at the hotel, there was some miscommunication about the desserts, but the GM had our backs. The main bar area was closed for a wedding afterparty, but he brought us coffee and tea to a side lounge area. He apologized for the miscommunication about the desserts, but luckily we had Jonathan-warm-chocolate cookies leftover that we brought down from our room. 5 minutes later… SURPRISE, the GM found our desserts! The pastry chef had set aside macarons for us before he left for the night. They were delicious! Not as good as the chocolate cookies, but still.

FREE MACARONS!

We called it an early night (I told you it was a non-traditional bachelorette!), and woke up early-ish for breakfast in the hotel. After some frittata, I started braiding. Are you surprised? You shouldn’t be. Remember, it’s my new obsession! Our activity for the day was hiking, so we had to have our hair up and away from our face!

The hike itself was great, but HOT! The humidity was stifling, but the views were worth it. We hiked Mt. Beacon, specifically we hiked the Casino Trail. It’s named after an actual casino that burned down. The cool part is, many of the old ruins are still there and you can climb on and around them! There are also ruins from the Mount Beacon Incline Railway,  which was shut down in the 1970’s. Pretty cool. As opposed to the temperature. Unfortunately, since we had already check out of the hotel, we had to settle for a bathroom-sink-shower. You all should be lucky you were not sitting next to us on the train home. We stopped for a quick lunch at Royal Crepes, which was SO GOOD, and then took an uber back to the train station.

 

The night before the weekend, emoji boyfriend had asked me if I was excited, and I told him I was, but I was also nervous because I didn’t know anyone. Luckily, none of us really knew each other, and we all ended up as friends! One of the girls friended me on Facebook, and it turned out we had 56 friends in common! Small world. I’m totally down for another Bachelorette. Who’s next??

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Miscellaneous

Braid In Manhattan – My New Braiding Obsession

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Helloooo Blog-Readers! I have a confession to make. I spread myself too thin. I love to keep busy, but I have been TOO BUSY. Even for me. And the first thing that I gave up were my blog posts. I apologize but I will try to be better at it from now on!

So… what have I been up to?? A lot of things. But mostly, braiding. A lot of you guys probably just re-read that sentence because… what!? I know, I know, this is not a normal thing to be busy doing. But it’s true.

I started braiding hair when I was 18 and I was a camp counselor at a Jewish camp. I had a cabin of 20 girls, and all of them had a total of 3 hours to get ready for Shabbat Dinner on Friday nights. Inevitably, at least 12 of my 20 girls wanted French braids in their hair. I can remember hours of sitting on the stairs of our cabin braiding hair. By necessity, I got very fast at it. And by practice, I got fairly good at it.

As you may remember from my half-marathon training posts last year, as part of my pre-race superstitions, I also braid my own hair. What I didn’t know was, there is a whole #BraidingCommunity out there on Instagram and YouTube! It was all down the rabbit hole from then on.

About 3 months ago, I started to follow a few braiders on my longlegsbigcity Instagram account. I mostly followed the big names like MissySue, and CuteGirlsHairstyles. Soon, I began looking at hashtags and tried to replicate the braids I saw. I realized I was really good at it. I started to post pictures every once in a while of my braid creations. However, as I started to follow more and more braiding accounts, and I realized that many of my LongLegsBigCity followers probably did not want to see braids on their Instagram feed, I decided to create a brand-new Instagram, JUST FOR HAIR. I asked the Facebook Hive Mind for names for my new account, and I settled on my best friend’s suggestion: Braid in Manhattan. Like Maid in Manhattan! Get it!?

 

CHECK OUT MY BRAIDSTAGRAM! @BraidInManhattan

 

I am not a very artistic person, but I am VERY crafty. Again, something you may remember from my many DIY Halloween Costumes, including the Gum Ball Machine from last year. I found that hair braiding was an awesome craft because the result looked awesome, and the person whose hair you braided got to parade your craft around all day long! (Sometimes they can parade it around for two days, depending on the style.)

Once I created an Instagram, I truly committed to my new hobby. I quickly followed 30 braid accounts, and then followed the people they followed, etc. I really picked up my stride in the month of June, because I found an account JennisHairDays, and she was hosting a challenge with a different type of braid for every day of the month. I dove into the challenge head first. I probably knew about 50% of the braids, and I challenged myself to learn the other 50%! I successfully posted a braid every single day.

The first question people always ask me about my braiding is “how do you get good?” or “how do you know how to do it?” The answers are pretty easy: practice, and YouTube. But also, I have found that my unique skill is not really in the actual task of braiding, but in the recognition from a photo of what the braid is, and figuring it out on my own. Sometimes I cheat by using a YouTube Tutorial, but as I continue to hone my skills, I am able to look at a photo on Instagram, realize it’s a 4-strand waterfall braid with a ribbon, and replicate it quite easily!

The other question I get is: who do you braid? The main issue with my braiding obsession is finding people to braid! Most people in the #BraidingCommunity are moms who do their daughters’ hair daily. I don’t have a daughter. This presents a problem. Thankfully I have a lot of friends who are willing to be my hair models. More specifically, I have coworkers who spend 9 hours/day with me and love to be walking billboards for my styles! I usually spend half of my lunch break nowadays braiding my coworkers’ hair. I love trying out new styles, and they love having their hair done! I always tag my photos with #DeskBraiding.

Speaking of walking billboards, I am in the process of making business cards, so my walking billboards can hand out my contact information. I am also in the process of building a website, and hopefully by next homecoming and prom season, I will be available to do braided updos and make a little bit of extra cash! (New Side Hustle, anyone?) Do any of you out there need someone to do your hair? Your daughter’s? Bachelorette? Bridal shower? Wedding? I remember when I had my hair braided into a crown for Barrister’s Ball in law school and I paid $100!! I don’t plan to charge nearly that much, but even at 50% of that, I could make some nice mulah.

For now, I have been braiding completely free of charge to build my portfolio. I did my two friends’ hair for the Pride parade. I also recently did my coworker’s 11-year-old daughter’s hair for her 5th grade graduation, and she loved it! We met up at Barnes And Noble and I created a mini hair salon in the Starbucks café. I have a portable hair spray, spray wax texture spray, comb, and many many ribbons and elastics. A few weeks ago, I offered my braiding services for a friend’s church event with a panel of women, and they set up an adorable Braid Bar for me.

 

Also, last weekend I went to the Jersey Shore to a family friend’s house where I did her hair, and her daughter’s hair. At almost-4-years-old, she was my youngest-ever client! She went on my Instagram and picked out the style she wanted, plus, of COURSE the colors of elastics and ribbons. Somehow, she sat still for a full 12 minutes and it paid off! She totally LOVED her hairstyle.

I won’t FORCE you to follow my new Instagram, especially if you already follow me on 1 or 2 other accounts (I told you I’m busy!), but I do post pictures almost every single day. And I’m getting better every single day! Maybe someday I will start a YouTube channel and post tutorials, but for now I am sticking with the photos. Spread the word and help me pay off my student loans!

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Miscellaneous

The Royal Wedding

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11 am on a Saturday. Who’s tired? If your eyelids are drooping, it’s either because you were out late last night (and you’re probably much younger than 30), or because you woke up at the butt-crack of dawn to watch people who are vastly more elegant than you and me get married. (I mean come on, I just used “butt-crack” on my public blog.)

I’m exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. I set my alarm for 5 am to watch all of the pre-wedding coverage, but God didn’t want that to happen (read: I shut my alarm off because I was like “HELL NO IT’S SATURDAY), and I finally rolled out of bed at 6:34 am. Aka PERFECT TIMING. I turned on the TV and Hoda and the entire Today Show crew were almost sh*tting themselves because the procession, beginning with Prince Harry and William were due to arrive in 8 minutes. Exactly. This thing was more exactly choreographed than the Macy’s Parade. And that’s saying a lot. As soon as the princes emerged from their cavalcade of cars (at 6:42 am exactly), I had tears in my eyes. Or maybe it was just leftover remnants of sleep. Could have been both.

I got up and put on my tiara. You think I’m kidding, don’t you? Well if you think I’m kidding, you don’t know me very well. I love a good tiara. I’m 99% certain I was meant to be a princess. DAMN YOU MEGHAN MARKLE FOR TAKING THE LAST ELIGIBLE PRINCE. Anyway, so there I am watching the princes and other royal family arrive, on the couch, tiara perched on my head. Then, of course, emoji-bf awakes from his slumber and finds me in the living room, tiara and all. Did you ever think that the most embarrassing thing that could happen to you is your boyfriend finding your Pinterest board of engagement rings when you’re not even living with him? I see your Pinterest board, and I raise you this situation. Where your boyfriend finds you on the couch before the sun rises, in a tiara, crying, watching people walk down the street to a wedding. A wedding you have zero ties to. Alas, this is not the first time he has seen me do ridiculous things. He just rolled his eyes and went to brush his teeth.

Let’s talk about the bride’s dress and procession. I don’t need to show you photos because the internet has millions of them already. I absolutely love weddings. But more than I love weddings, I LOVE judging bridal gowns. I can sit and watch a marathon of Say Yes to the Dress for hours and I can say NO to every single one. But Meghan was gorgeous. (Yes, we are on a first-name basis. I was at her wedding, after all!) I love a simple gown, and the boat neck was beautiful. The massive lace veil, together with the stunning tiara borrowed from Queen Mary was enough as far as accessories. I loved the understated complete package, with minimal makeup. The commentators kept talking about how she loves her freckles and wanted them to show. Who knows if that’s true, but it looked natural, which is best, because the look on Harry’s face… UGH. I mean, COME ON. SO CUTE!!! How many memes are going to come from that sparkle in his eyes!? “Get yourself a man who looks at you like this.” I can see it already. I am sure it already exists on the internet. The absolute best part of the wedding was when she walked to the altar, and Harry said “You look amazing.” Then different commentators think he either said “I love you” or “my Heart.” KILL ME NOW. SO ROMANTIC. I’M OBSESSED. CAPS NECESSARY. And the little kiddies behind her holding her train?? UGH. My heart was bursting.

Now to the part I know y’all have been waiting on… my commentary on the actual service. Blah blah blah boring white royal wedding blah blah blah BLACK PASTOR KILLS THE GAME. Yeah, if you guys didn’t see it, go watch it. Bishop Michael Bruce Curry brought the house down. Almost literally. The white people in that room did not know what to do. Now guys, this was the not the first time I had heard a black preacher tell people THE WORD. I know what you’re thinking, didn’t this girl say she was Jewish? Well yeah, but I’ve been around. I’ve been to African Church on Christmas. More than once. And let me tell you something about the services led by black preachers… people don’t just sit there and take it, they stand up and feel the word like it is being delivered straight from god. I was watching Bishop Curry up there talking with his hands, quoting Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., and I was waiting for Meghan’s mom to stand up and say “Glory Hallelujah! Praise Jesus!” See below, Meghan’s mom biting her lip trying to keep herself in her seat.

Unfortunately, this did not happen. But it was close to happening. The actual words the bishop spoke were great, about love and fire, and laying your swords down by the riverside… he even slipped in a couple references to slavery and it was EVERYTHING. However, the best part of his address wasn’t the actual address, it was the news cameras panning around the room at the (still-largely-white) guests and watching their faces. They were confused. Panicked. Highly entertained. It reminded me of myself that very first time in black church. And then, just when I didn’t think it could get better, we pan to an all-black gospel choir singing Stand By Me. GTFO. AHHHH SO AMAZING. Stick a fork in me, because I was DONE. Tears, so many tears.

Then came the famous kiss outside the church, which was chaste at best, but who even cares, because the gospel choir was at it again! With Etta James’s version of Amen/This Little Light of Mine. Good lord. That was totally worth waking up at 6 am.

The happy, adorable couple then left in their horse-drawn carriage, on a parade processional a couple miles long, followed by 26 mounted soldiers, in the pomp and pageantry I can only imagine I will also have on my wedding day, because duh, doesn’t everyone? Not to be upstaged by the fabulous gospel choir, Princess Charlotte waved them off, and stole the show entirely. Now I need a nap. Oh, and Oprah, you’re officially invited to my wedding, too.

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