Grief and Pregnancy Loss

Memories (or lack thereof)

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TW: Pregnancy Loss (some studies suggest trigger warnings aren’t helpful, but I personally find them helpful so I’ll be trying to remember to use them)

Next week I am starting EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). If you haven’t heard of it, EMDR is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress resulting from trauma. Some studies show that 84%-90% of single-trauma victims no longer have PTSD after only three 90-minute sessions. Those are pretty amazing numbers. And since I’ve already hit my out-of-pocket maximum on my insurance like 20 times over, I figured I’d try anything for free. In my mind, it’s a little like hypnosis and a bit too woowoo for me, but most articles say it’s very different than hypnosis and plus, the research shows it works.

But there’s a catch. EMDR depends on a patient’s memories. The way you reprocess is by evoking vivid visual images related to the memory, and then you think about your negative beliefs about yourself and the related body sensations and emotions, then start to reprogram those beliefs and sensations that are related to the memories. This obviously poses a problem if you have no memories.

In preparation for EMDR, I’ve been trying to remember everything that happened in the months leading up to my hospitalization and loss of our baby, but I have a lot of gaps. First of all, it’s hard for me to pinpoint anything happy. It’s as if my brain remembers how horrific the week in the hospital was, and it has deleted and reconfigured any happy emotions I had at all the entire pregnancy. I’ve been meaningfully trying to remember being happy and excited, but now it’s all tinged with fear and extreme depths of depression.

When we told my parents about the baby, we had created a whole fake story so that we could get their reaction on video. It’s really hard to watch that video now. My mom cried. There were so many happy tears. But I watched that video trying to remember how happy I was and now as I watch, it feels fake. Was I really that happy? It seems like I’m watching someone else have those emotions. On a deep level, did that girl know what would happen? They say hindsight is 20/20, well now it feels like hindsight is just SAD.

Since I haven’t actually started EMDR, I am not sure if we will focus on the whole pregnancy, or only on the hospitalization and loss trauma. But if we focus on the hospitalization, I’m in even worse trouble because I have even fewer memories.

A couple of weeks after I came home from the hospital, I started writing a never-to-be-published blog about my experience and I realized I couldn’t remember a lot. I went through all of my hospital records trying to remember. I had 118 unopened test results in the app. I had pages and pages of doctor notes. From the moment that my OB told me to come into the hospital, my fight-or-flight reaction was triggered. I won’t get into all of the science, but basically when there is trauma, your memories can be affected. Add that to the fact that I was on a magnesium infusion for a week, which causes confusion, and also add the fact that I wasn’t allowed to eat food, and I have major memory gaps. Not to mention the later epidurals and the Ativan. Between the psychological issues and medical interventions, my brain feels like Swiss cheese.

Last week, Chris and I were trying to go through the timeline of what happened at the hospital. There were certain things that I thought happened on Wednesday but he said they happened on Friday. Some of the conversations that happened throughout the first night when we had a revolving door of neonatologists, maternal fetal medicine specialists, residents, doctors, nurses, etc., I don’t remember at all. Even in that moment, I recognized that my memory wasn’t great and I had my sister taking notes on her phone to report to Chris, who was on a last-minute flight back to NYC.

Two weeks ago, I started going through my text messages and phone logs to try and reconstruct what happened. Most of the calls made from my phone in the hospital were made by my sister. I was in no shape to make phone calls, I was mostly sobbing the entire time out of fear and sadness and confusion. My sister called some coworkers to let them know I would be missing meetings and that I wouldn’t be at the strategic planning meeting the next week in Texas. She called Chris and my mom many times, but those calls were mostly made from her own phone.

Then in my call log I saw one call from my best friend that came in at 7:18 pm on my first full day at the hospital. I hadn’t slept the night before because doctors and specialists were in and out of the room every 5 minutes, so I was awake approximately 36 hours by that point. According to my call log, that call lasted 17 minutes and 59 seconds. I have 0 memory of it. None. Not a single memory. I don’t remember it happening. When I saw it, I didn’t even believe it. Even though it was in black and white right there in my palm, I still thought maybe it didn’t happen. I took a screen shot of my call log and I texted my friend. I said, “Can I ask you a really weird question – did I talk to you when I was in the hospital? I’m trying to like put my memories back together and I saw this in my call log and I have literally 0 recollection of this.” She wrote back immediately, “Yes we did talk!”

17 minutes and 59 seconds gone. And the worst part is that I saw that date and I realized it was the last full day that my daughter was alive. And I don’t remember it. Not only are the memories of my pregnancy now completely overshadowed and tinged with sadness, but my final few hours pregnant with our first child are missing from my brain. I’ve been working on giving myself more grace, but it feels unforgivable that I just don’t remember those last few days. What kind of mom forgets the last few hours of their kid’s life? These are thoughts for my therapist. I realize this isn’t necessarily my fault, and that a body’s trauma response is not rational. I realize that this wasn’t a choice. And if I’m completely and totally honest with myself, I’m not even sure I want to remember those days. They were terrible. Every single minute of those days was horrific and if I forgot 17 minutes and 59 seconds of one of them, that could be viewed as a blessing. Some days it seems that way, and some days it feels like a curse, adding insult to injury.

We have so few things to remember our girl by, and the fact that I don’t even have reliable memories feels extra cruel.

p.s. I originally thought I’d talk about physical mementos in this post, but that’s for another blog, if I get to it. I am also trying to give myself grace on these posts. I’m figuring out what I want to share, and what I want to keep for ourselves. There are so few things. And while I think our daughter deserves her own space in the world, I also selfishly want to keep her for ourselves. There isn’t much to go around.

p.p.s. Some of these blog posts won’t have tie-in-a-bow endings. My story isn’t tied in a bow. Not only is it ongoing, but it’s messy. If it feels like a post ends abruptly, it’s probably because I left my computer to crawl into a ball on the couch and cry. This is just real life now.

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Grief and Pregnancy Loss

Very Superstitious, Writing’s On the Wall

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TW: Pregnancy Loss (some studies suggest trigger warnings aren’t helpful, but I personally find them helpful so I’ll be trying to remember to use them)

Last week, I opened a new Listerine. I put some in my mouth then tried to fit the bottle into my drawer in my bathroom. It wasn’t fitting. As I was gargling the super minty concoction, I started fiddling around with everything in the drawer to fit it in and that’s when I saw them: two pregnancy tests in the back of the drawer staring at me in the face. I nearly swallowed the Listerine. I almost took the tests out and put them directly in the trash but something stopped me dead in my tracks. I looked at the expiration dates: 12/23. Would throwing them out mean I for sure wouldn’t be pregnant again before the end of the year? Do I even want to be pregnant by the end of the year? Will throwing them out somehow tell the universe I don’t ever want to be pregnant again? Are my thoughts that powerful? I fit the Listerine snugly into the drawer and closed it without doing anything with the tests. As I write this, those tests are still in the back of that drawer. But closing that drawer hasn’t made me stop thinking about those tests. Every time I wash my hands, I know they’re in that drawer, waiting to be used, or waiting to not be used as time continues to march on and that expiration date comes and goes.

Meanwhile, I can’t stop thinking about superstitions and ultimately that’s what drew me back to the blog. Everyone has superstitions, or at least I used to think people did. I never considered myself a very superstitious person, but as I take stock of my life, I’m realizing maybe I have been. The stakes were so much lower before, so I never took my thoughts too seriously. Growing up, I remember jumping over cracks in the sidewalk to avoid “breaking my mother’s back.” But that was just a childhood game, right? Maybe. In college and in the years after, I had this orange and blue underwear set I had to wear when the Gators played a football game. I didn’t necessarily think that I CAUSED them to win if I wore them, but I figured, “it’s worked before, it can’t hurt!” Just last year, the Miami Heat lost in a playoff game to the Celtics on my birthday. I remember exactly what outfit I was wearing. Again, this year they faced off against the Celtics in the playoffs on my birthday and I made sure not to wear that same jersey. But I didn’t think it would necessarily be my FAULT if they lost, they were coming off 3 losses and I was convinced it was their fault if they lost again. They deserved it! But if I could do this one small thing to help them by wearing something else, why not? And guess what, they won.

According to Merriam-Webster, a superstition is a belief or practice resulting from fear of the unknown, trust in magic or chance, or a false conception of causation. I was recently talking about my superstitions with my husband, and he said he just called these things “quirks.” My therapist, on the other hand, called them “physical manifestations of my anxiety.” Maybe all of those things are right. I told my therapist that rationally, I understand I’m not causing anything to happen, but it’s nice to feel I have some sense of control in a world that is so completely out of my control. I think she was proud of me for this insight, but I don’t think she would be proud of me if I told her I for sure would not be throwing those pregnancy tests out any time soon (or ever) JUST IN CASE. Why anger the universe when I can just keep them safely tucked into the back of my bathroom drawer, collecting dust until they expire?

Those pregnancy tests require a bit of a back story. When I got pregnant, I was thrilled and surprised. Could it be this easy? My best friend was pregnant and we were going to have babies so close together! It was a dream. With the advent of social media and people being open about fertility struggles, I was well aware that conception was not as easy as the movies make it out to be. Having sex does not equal pregnancy. I knew too many people who struggled to get pregnant. But maybe I was a lucky one and it was easy for me! Three weeks after that thought, I was shoved back down to reality when my best friend lost her pregnancy. From that moment on, I became more realistic about the possible outcomes.

At that time, I called myself “realistic,” but what I realize now is it was extreme anxiety. I was convinced something would happen to my pregnancy, too. It’s one of the reasons I never wrote about it on my blog! At my first doctor’s appointment, I made my husband come with me and I remember looking at my Fitbit and seeing my heart rate was 120 bpm. Literally double my resting heart rate. And that anxiety never fully quieted. I made my husband come to every single appointment.

Most people announce their pregnancies around 12 weeks because they are “out of the miscarriage window.” I never felt comfortable announcing. I was sure something would happen. I remember we finally decided to tell my parents at Thanksgiving, and we wanted to give them something cute as part of the reveal. But my 12-week ultrasound wasn’t until 5 days before we were going to see them. I wanted to buy something unique from Etsy, but I was way too superstitious to buy anything in advance of that appointment. What if, by buying those things in advance, I would cause something to happen and then I’d have those items in my house with no baby to announce? I waited until the appointment went well, then I ordered something kitschy and dumb on Amazon Prime to arrive the day before we left. But even after we announced to my parents, my superstition was high. We took photos together, and my mom wanted to post them on Facebook. I told her absolutely not. What if something went wrong? We couldn’t tempt fate. We couldn’t taunt the universe. What if we had to UN-announce? I couldn’t bear to think about it.

I was with Chris’s entire family for Christmas on December 21 when my phone started blowing up. My mom had posted about us being pregnant on Facebook. By that point I was 16 weeks pregnant and we should have been in the clear! But I was angry at her and nervous. Now everyone knew and what if we weren’t in the clear. I walked outside to call her. It was a frigid 9 degrees in Atlanta, but I needed to step away from Chris’s family. My mom explained that she had forgotten that I told her not to post about it and was just excited. She said she hadn’t tagged me, so it would be ok. She offered to take the post down. But it already had so many likes, so many eyes on it, everyone had seen. And more importantly, the UNIVERSE KNEW. We were too excited. Unrightfully so. I told my mom it was too late. I couldn’t figure out how to explain why I was so nervous. Most people would have been so happy! I wouldn’t let myself get too excited. In my rational mind, of course I know the Facebook announcement didn’t cause any of the events to come, but in that moment my superstitions took over.

I had made contingency plans for myself. The weekend before I found out I was pregnant I had two friends over to watch the new Hocus Pocus. Being the basic b*tch I am, I am obsessed with everything pumpkin so I had gone all out. I bought 5 different kinds of alcoholic pumpkin cider, I had ten different kinds of pumpkin flavored sweets. A few days later when I found out I was pregnant, I posted all of the leftover pumpkin cider on Buy Nothing to give away. At the last minute, I decided to keep two cans of my favorite cider. I figured since it was a seasonal cider, if I lost my pregnancy I’d want some sort of consolation prize and by then the cider wouldn’t be in stores anymore because it would be winter. How hilarious that I thought 2 cans of my favorite cider would be enough to make me feel better if I lost my baby LOLOLOLOL.

For months and months of doctor appointments, those ciders stayed in my fridge. The outside of the door of the fridge started filling up with ultrasound photos. The entire door was plastered with our baby at 6 weeks. 8 weeks. 12 weeks. 16 weeks. 18 weeks. 20 weeks. 24 weeks. And still, inside that same fridge door, those ciders sat on the bottom shelf  “just in case.” Around 20 weeks, I started to convince myself I wouldn’t be drinking them until they were expired and I had a living baby in my arms. But despite the expiration date, I couldn’t bring myself to throw them out. What would that mean? Would I be tempting fate? What if I still needed them?

When I was in the hospital, I had so much support from family. My sister was with me the whole time and my mom drove in from Philly. All of Chris’s siblings flew up to NYC to be with me. It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me. When I found out I’d maybe be discharged, Chris’s family mobilized and went back to our apartment to cook for us so we’d have fresh, home-cooked food. Not only did we not have groceries, but I hadn’t been allowed to eat in nearly a week. I remember the full-body sense of relief coming home. I remember sinking into the couch and being so thankful it wasn’t a hospital bed. And then I slightly remember seeing Chris’s little sister drinking one of my two contingency pumpkin ciders at the table. I had been on a lot of drugs for a very long time, so it didn’t totally register at the time. A few days later when I opened my fridge and saw only one cider there it hit me.

I told Chris about my secret superstitious ciders and he asked me if I was upset that one was gone. I wasn’t. Who was I kidding that a cider would make me feel better? Nothing could make me feel better! My whole world had fallen apart and the last thing I wanted to do was drink something alcoholic to remind myself of everything I didn’t have. Alcohol was a reminder of everything I had given up for six months just for it to be taken away.

Four and a half months later, that one single pumpkin cider is still in my fridge. What would happen if I drank it? What would happen if I threw it out? Would the world be mad at me? Would I never get pregnant again? What if I need to do IVF? Would it affect my egg count? Will we get denied for adoption? Surrogacy?

Do I actually think my drinking habits have anything to do with any of those things? No. I don’t. When I’m in my most rational state of mind, I realize nothing has anything to do with anything. The world is random. I was unlucky. Every doctor says what happened was “so rare and unlikely.” They say there is no explanation. There was no known cause. Did saving those two ciders have anything to do with it? Absolutely not. Will drinking that single cider that’s still in the fridge affect any future events? Also no.

Recently, I think my superstitions/anxiety relating to other people and pregnancy has become worse. Last weekend, Chris’s friend had a baby shower. There were many reasons I didn’t feel I could go, but one (maybe abnormal) reason was fear. I was nervous that my presence alone would somehow trigger the universe’s wrath and make something bad happen to his friend. Two weekends ago, my best friend, who is pregnant again, was in town and I had the exact same feeling. I wanted to go see her, but I had to call in advance to warn her. I said, “if you think that my presence will in any way jinx you, please tell me and I promise I won’t be offended and I won’t come.” None of that makes sense. I am aware in my rational thoughts that my mere existence in a certain space will not set bad events into motion. But just in case, I wanted her blessing before I visited.

My favorite podcast recently did an episode about “manifestation.” Manifestation is the opposite side of the superstition coin. This has become such a huge buzzword recently. People believe we can just will things into being. But if I’ve learned anything, it’s that we cannot. It doesn’t matter how much you want something, sometimes the world is just unfair. Do people with food insecurity just not want food enough? I’m thinking no. Do people who are downsized and laid off from their companies just not want to be employed enough? No. Do people with fertility issues not want a baby enough? Definitely not.

After writing this whole post, I wish I could tell you I went directly to my fridge to throw out that cider but I didn’t. It’s still there. And guess what, it’s almost pumpkin season again but I probably won’t buy that cider again. It’s too loaded with sadness and guilt. And drinking it would feel like literally consuming and causing more of that sadness and guilt. I guess that’s superstition too.

I wish I could tell you that my superstitions will completely stop, but I know that isn’t true either. As I said to my therapist, whether or not they are healthy habits, having a miniscule sense of control over a world that is so out of my control can feel helpful. And if that means having expired pregnancy tests in the back of my bathroom drawer forever, then I’m ok with that.

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Grief and Pregnancy Loss

Welcome Back to Me, My Brain Is a Mess

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TW: Pregnancy Loss (some studies suggest trigger warnings aren’t helpful, but I personally find them helpful, so I’ll be trying to remember to use them)

Hi everyone! It’s been 8 months and 2 days. I used to apologize for “long” absences without posts, but I never could have predicted an absence as long as this.

I’m still here, but a lot has changed. Or nothing has. Most importantly, three things:

  1. I was 25 weeks pregnant.
  2. I am not pregnant anymore.
  3. I do not have a living baby.

I haven’t posted on this blog because back in November, December, January, and February, being pregnant was the biggest thing in my life, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to post about it. Then in March, we lost our daughter, and I certainly wasn’t sure if I wanted to post about that. I am still not sure. And I will not be sharing the story here now. So if you’re here because you want to rubberneck a disaster, I invite you to text me because I am, in fact, a hot mess. But if you’re here now on the blog because you want to read about my hospitalization and the downfall of my hopes and dreams, you won’t find it here.

That’s another reason I haven’t posted. Because if I’m completely honest, my life is not fun right now. I started this blog to document my life though, and this is my life. That is just honest. So, I decided two things:

  1. This blog is about me, and I can write whatever the heck I want.
  2. If you don’t want to see it, you don’t have to read it.

You may be wondering, if I’m not telling the story of the loss, what will I even say? Well, I have a lot of thoughts. I should warn you in advance, these thoughts are not well-planned or logical in their order. That’s because my brain is currently not well-planned or logical in any order. I feel like one of the “secondary losses” that people don’t talk about much is the loss of orderly thoughts. I used to be a big planner. Type A. Set schedule. I had a weekly reminder in my calendar to send out my blog newsletter. As a great example, I STILL have a weekly reminder to send out my blog newsletter. It went off yesterday. It goes off every week and every week I ignore it. But I haven’t deleted it! Everything in my brain now is in shambles and I just wake up every day like an adventure. Who knows what will happen or when or why or how? I certainly didn’t expect or plan for THIS to happen, so why expect or plan for anything? If you were wondering if this makes work and my professional life complicated, it does. Keeping track of tasks is a lot more complicated than it used to be and I need lots of technological aids.

Anyway, as you can see from that previous paragraph, expect some rambling. It’s a struggle. If you’re surprised that I decided to come back to the blog even though I can’t form cohesive thoughts, I’m surprised, too. But last night I had this strong urge to write about something and I couldn’t quiet it. I started the blog because I loved to write, and that is still true. I’ve been writing this whole time in a never-to-be-published blog and in a journal. But there’s something different about putting thoughts into the world for people to see. The possibility of having someone else read my craziest thoughts and relating to it gives me hope and purpose.

Personally, throughout the past few months, I have so appreciated the podcasts and Instagram accounts and Facebook groups of people dealing the same struggles as me. It’s terrifying to see how common it is, but it’s also extremely heartwarming to know I’m not alone. Sometimes I don’t want to see them and I put things on mute, but sometimes they are the only things that make this feel bearable. If a community holds a loss together, they collectively can carry more. Those are two more of the reasons I decided to come back to the blog: to find community and to bring people into my new (and often depressing) reality.

More coming soon.

♥ ,

Emily

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Travel

Bucket List

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Last weekend I was describing my recent trip to Australia to a friend when I said, “I’m really happy to have knocked a few things off of my bucket list.” And now I am on a plane on my way back to New York (from a different trip) and I started watching the movie The Bucket List. It’s not a new movie, but it stars Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, so I figured it had to be good. It turns out it WAS good, but it left me pondering.

The movie premise is about two older men (but not extremely old) who are diagnosed with terminal illnesses, become extremely unlikely friends, and bond over completing their “bucket lists” before they die. Not exactly an uplifting premise, but certainly one that made me think.

I am (thank god) not approaching death to my knowledge, despite the fact that my husband thinks my one sweet n low/day in my coffee is slowly causing my demise. However, I’ve always had a list like this. My problem: the list only seems to grow. I have a lot of friends who see my travels and gape at all of the places I have been. My response? “But I’ve never been to Asia!” Or “I’d really love to go to Japan.” Or “Yes I’ve been to Iceland, but I only went to Reykjavik and I can’t believe I didn’t get a chance to see the Northern Lights.”

I grew up in a relatively privileged environment. I had two parents in the home, I never worried about food insecurity, housing insecurity, I always went to great schools and had siblings and friends to play with. I was also lucky not to travel in circles like the kids I see in Manhattan. You know the types… the ones who use “summer” as a verb and have been flying Business to Switzerland since they learned how to ski. My family went on an annual family vacation, usually to the Jersey Shore. And we loved it. I fondly remember playing in the pool with my dad where he would play “Monster of the Deep,” and creep up on us in the deep end, pick us up and throw us to the other side of the pool. I remember saltwater taffy and funnel cake on the boardwalk, and “beauty pageants” by the hotel or motel pool, where I’d always win a participation prize of a retractable hair brush. The point is, I was happy, but I was sheltered. I had no idea what else was out there, and it was a blessing and a curse.

In college, I started going on cruises and getting a taste of what else was out there: mostly beautiful beaches, since the cruises from Florida mostly went to the Caribbean. Then I went to Israel twice and realized WOW, there are so many other cultures. I wanted to experience them ALL.

On my final flight back from Australia last month, there were multiple teenagers who clearly hadn’t been on a plane before. They kept opening and closing the window shade to take photos of the clouds. It was highly annoying. But it also made me think: am I not appreciating the little things anymore? I was SO tired. It was my 7th flight of the month. (One of them I jumped out of, hence the uneven number. More on that later.) I just wanted to get home and get into my bed. But within my utter annoyance with these girls, I also realized that maybe my Ever-Growing Bucket List is clouding my vision and appreciation.

Since I didn’t write a whole blog on my Australia trip, I’ll give you a quick recap of highlights. Maybe I’ll write more another time.

Here are some things I did: traveled across the WORLD. Went on my longest flight I’ve ever been on. Visited a new continent. Saw where my friend lived after being friends for 8+ years. Spent time exploring a new city. Toured the world-famous opera house. Had food and drinks under the Sydney Harbor Bridge. Saw Luna Park. Walked the Sydney Harbor Bridge. Tried hot pot for the first time. Tried Malaysian food for the first time. Saw wild kangaroos. Fed wallabies. Touched a koala. Saw wild wombats. Visited multiple breathtaking waterfalls. Rode the world’s steepest railway car. Saw the Great Barrier Reef. Scuba dove for the first time. Ziplined for the first time. In a rainforest. Saw the only place in the world where two UNESCO World Heritage Sites abut one another. Walked paths that were once walked by dinosaurs. Jumped out of an airplane.

Every single one of those things is content enough for its own blog post, and I left things out! How is it POSSIBLE that there are still things on my “list”? I have felt a lot of tick tock time pressure lately. The pressure that comes along with being a woman who wants children and is in her mid-30s. I have a lot of intrusive thoughts about my life being over when I have kids. And don’t get me wrong, I still want them. Definitely 100% for sure I want children. But I ALSO want all of these other things.

I want to see and walk on the Great Wall. I want to ride a bullet train in Japan. I want to see the Northern Lights. I want to see the Pyramids. I want to stay in an overwater bungalow in the Maldives. I want to go glamping in Africa and I want to see giraffes in the wild. I want to go in a hot air balloon, preferably in Cappadocia.

And the list keeps growing. I have friends who follow travel accounts on Instagram, and meanwhile, I have very consciously unfollowed them all because I felt it was bad for my mental health. The FOMO is real! Sometimes I even mute my friends when they go on vacations or trips because I know I will be too jealous to be happy for them! This is by far a first world problem.

I recently had some conversations with friends of mine who are parents, and the only generalization I have been able to glean is that every family is different. There are some parents who clearly and unequivocally say, “your life isn’t over when you have kids!” But then all of their Instagram stories are of their kids, or about their kids, and their conversations and complaints are about kids, and you guessed it, their vacations are too. These are the families I used to focus on, and I think that’s what led to this “end of times” mentality around travel and exploration.

Some of my friends who have had kids admit their lives changed drastically, that nothing is the same, and that all things will revolve around their kids for at least a decade. I feel selfish to admit this but… I’m not ready for that sacrifice! To me, these people may say “well then maybe you’re not ready for kids.” But there is a third group. The elusive in-betweens. These are the friends who say, “your life isn’t over when you have kids” and they truly practice what they preach. They continue to have multifaceted lives, some activities and conversation around their kids, and some not. They have fulfilling careers. They have hobbies and interests. They sometimes even (gasp) take trips with their girlfriends and leave their kids home!

I have a feeling that my bucket list will continue to grow. The more time I live in this world, the more I realize how much more there is to see. And I think that’s ok. I need to also be appreciative of all of the things I have seen and achieved. As a woman in her mid-30’s, all of this travel and exploration was not possible or attainable for the generations before me. I am lucky to have so much content for my blog, and I am sure I will keep posting here, even if it means mining material from previous trips for a short period of time.

Opera House and Harbor showing off
Blue Mountains
Bondi Icebergs Club
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Long Legs and other Personal Problems, Miscellaneous

Eyebrow Microblading

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Today I am continuing my series of “frequently asked questions.” My personal FAQ section is right here in this blog so I’m dedicating today’s blog to another one of the questions people ask me most frequently, “should I microblade my eyebrows?” If you missed the first in this series, “should I get laser hair removal?” go check that out now. I am not going to make you read through this whole post before finding out who I went to for my amazing brows. Her name is Purdie Baumann @purdiebrows and she is the absolute GOAT. Not only is she the best at her craft, she’s also an ex-Rockette. As in, Radio City. How cool is that??
Purdie and Me!
I know you have a million questions, and I’m constantly recommending her, so let’s get down to the obvious question first:

“Should I get my eyebrows microbladed?”

Answer: Yes. Moving on. I’m kidding, of course I will tell you more. I have a long-standing hatred of my eyebrows. When I was VERY young, like 11 years old, I told my mom that I hated my eyebrows more than anything else on my body. I remember her saying that was dumb, because you could easily wax and shape them, and for the next 3.5 years I had an eyebrow sponsor: my mom. My mom had electrolysis as a teenager, so she understood the concept of unwanted hair and she was happy to pay this small amount to help me like my face more. Once I made my own babysitting money, I started paying for my own eyebrow waxes. There was a terrible moment around age 15 when I didn’t want to pay for the biweekly appointments and I had a genius idea to use the self-waxing strips from Walgreens instead. (Narrator: it was not genius). Long story short, I put one of them at the wrong angle and took off the tail end of one of my eyebrows. Ok, truth be told it was far more than the tail end. I was completely missing an eyebrow. My friends called me Mr. Clean. I had to wear eyebrow pencil for 2 months. As you may remember from previous blogs, I sweat a lot, so living in South Florida, the liner would start to drip. Mortifying. Before you ask, no, I do not have any throwback photos of this time. Thank God it was before smart phones and digital cameras. Fast forward to my 20’s in New York. Thank God waxing is extremely cheap. I always say there are 4 cheap things you can get in New York City: manicures, hotdogs, dollar slices, and eyebrow waxing/threading. This brings me to my next eyebrow discovery in approximately 2012: threading. I LOVED threading. I didn’t care as much anymore about the amount of eyebrow hair I had, but the shape. I really wanted a natural arch, but I didn’t have one. Threading could give me a more natural look, and it was less painful than waxing. Also, it was CHEAP! Like $7. The main problem with threading was that it was all about taking hair away to create a shape. Unfortunately, they were not able to add hair to make it look how I wanted. As I mentioned before, I didn’t have an arch and I wanted one! So I started to think about microblading. A few years later I finally took the plunge and I am SO happy I did!

“Does microblading hurt?”

No. Well, it didn’t hurt for me, but that’s because Purdie put a numbing gel on. If anything, it felt like little scratches on my face. The main uncomfortable part was a few days later when it was scabbed and kind of itchy, but I knew I was not supposed to scratch it. I was given a super moisturizing gel, kind of like Vaseline, to put on twice a day. This minimized the itching, and contrary to the warning I received from a friend who had it done somewhere else, it did not make my face look like a glazed donut! I should warn you, my same friend said it hurt a LOT when she got hers done. Maybe her person didn’t use a numbing cream. Make sure you ask about this in a consultation and read reviews!

“Will it look fake?”

This is a great question and the best answer I have is: it depends. Not if you go to Purdie! There are a few different kinds of microblading. Some are more of a shading (like if you were to fill in/color in your eyebrows), and personally I find those to look fake. It’s more of a solid tattoo. There is also the single brush stroke method, which is what I did, and I think it looks extremely natural. I actually get compliments on my brows all the time and people think they are natural! Be very careful to go to an artist whose work you like. The best way to know what your eyebrows will look like, is to look at previous work. This leads me to the next most popular question…
It looked way intense after session #1 but it faded and looked more and more natural over time.

“How do I find the right person?”

Instagram. I know that sounds crazy but as with any type of art (tattoos, hair color, painting, sculpture), you want to see the work before you commit to buying. This is especially true when the “art” you are buying is going to live on your face forever! I highly recommend looking at a person’s portfolio before booking an appointment. The easiest way to see this is on Instagram. Look at hundreds of before and afters. Find people with similar skin coloring and brow shape to you to see what the end result can be. Once you have the person you trust to do amazing work, the rest is easy because you can defer to their opinion. For example, when I went in, Purdie showed me a range of colors and asked what I wanted. I thought I wanted a very dark brown. She said she thought a medium and ash light color would look more natural. I told her that from the photos I saw, I trust her expertise and sure enough, she was right. The color does fade over time, so in my touch-up, we went a bit darker. I am so thrilled with how they came out and I know if I had gone with my original color choice, they would have been too dark for my coloring and would have looked fake, or like I was wearing makeup all the time. I love how my brows now almost look like I’m wearing natural brow makeup, but don’t look like I am wearing brow makeup and nothing else, if I have a fresh face.

“How much does it cost?”

Again, this depends. Every artist will create their own pricing structure, and it depends both on availability, demand, and market. New York is far more expensive than most places, but you can also find the best people! Personally, I paid $600 for a first appointment, and $200 for the touchup. I also tipped (of course). This was more than a year ago, so she may have adjusted her pricing. I know in New York, artists generally begin at $800-$1000. I went to Purdie’s studio in Jersey City, NJ and it was slightly cheaper, and honestly I would have gone to a much further state to get her skill level! #worthit Warning. There are Groupons out there. I mentioned raving about a Groupon for laser hair removal, for this, I’d warn against it. You want someone to take their time, you want them to be so good that they have a waiting list. If you are going to use a Groupon, PLEASE make sure you know someone personally who has had their brows done by that artist/salon! Remember this is permanent and on your face! Not the time to use a discount code.

“Don’t you have to get touch-ups all the time?”

This is a tough question for me to answer because it’s only been one year since I had my first appointment! Usually, you have an initial appointment and then a touch-up 2 months later. I had my first appointment in early October 2021, and my touch-up in early December 2021. I can tell that the ink has faded a bit when I look closely at my face, but you wouldn’t notice unless you looked with a magnifying mirror, or very very close-up. I prefer how they look now, extremely natural, although I may want a touch-up at some point in the future. I could not be happier with my decision! One note of warning, be careful not to get “trendy” eyebrows. Remember they will be there forever! If you love the SUPER bushy look of eyebrows right now, get normal ones microbladed and just fill them in with pencil temporarily. You’ll thank me in 2 years when the trends change again!
Look how spotty they were before!
These photos are all after session #1. We did a few more fill-in brush strokes on the touch up 2 months later.
At this point I barely remember my eyebrows the way they were before. What a drastic improvement!
The side by side is mind-blowing. Look at that arch!
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Travel

3 Last-Minute Days in Stockholm

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Remember back in August after our honeymoon, when I said I was going to be in town for 6 full weeks? Well, that is not exactly what has happened. I was looking forward to a slow and relaxed September with 0 flights on the agenda, but the world had other ideas. First, on Labor Day weekend, someone in my husband’s family was in an accident so we went down to Texas to visit. Then, 2 weeks later, my sweet husband said, “I kind of want to go somewhere between jobs, what are you doing next weekend?” I didn’t have any plans, and I was expecting he would suggest upstate New York or something. But no, he suggested Stockholm, Sweden. I know you’re probably wondering if there was some deep reason why he picked Sweden, but the answer is simple: Delta flies there nonstop, and the prices were semi-reasonable for a 3-days-in-advance booking. Chris loves his Delta flights. And I love him.

Honestly, I was a bit anxious about the trip. I am already spending a lot of money and energy planning a trip to Australia for October, and I am heading into my busy season at work. Also, Chris loves to sit in a hotel room but I have this compulsion to explore new places and see ALL THE THINGS. It’s a lot of pressure to plan an itinerary solo with 3 days’ notice! I know this is serious first-world-problems, but I put a lot of stress on myself. Thankfully, a lot of people on the internet have done research for me. I googled “3 days in Stockholm” and sure enough, I found a lot of blogs and sample itineraries, things to see, and food to buy on a budget.

We booked it, and we were on an 8-hour redeye Thursday night, to get in at 10 am Friday Sweden time. The actual trip to the airport was more stressful than any other part of the trip (except the trip back, I’ll get to that later). We forgot it was the UN General Assembly, so traffic was standstill, basically a parking lot. We asked our Uber to drop us off at the subway instead, however, we had packed LARGE bags and I definitely regretted going to the gym earlier that day. After 2 subways and an Airtrain, and a walk because the Airtrain station at our terminal was closed for construction, we got there in time to check our bags and go to the Delta lounge for a small pre-flight dinner.

The flight was uneventful, although I couldn’t sleep at all. When we arrived, thankfully the hotel had the room ready so we could take a 2 hour nap. We stayed in Gamla Stan, or “the old town,” which is a perfect location for sightseeing right next to the Royal Palace and Parliament. We quickly realized that the next day was the Stockholm Half Marathon, and the finish line was around the corner! Before you ask, no, I did not braid any hair.

Since I have a big trip coming up next month, I didn’t take any days off of work, which meant that I had to work from 3-11 pm Stockholm time on Friday and Monday. After my nap, I went to a cell phone store to try and get a sim card (unsuccessful), and then I went to a hotdog stand that I read about in my research. It was called Bruno’s Korvbar, and they had 25 different types of sausages, spicy to mild, and many topping choices. I got a “baguette double” with the House spicy sausage and the lamb merguez. It was AMAZING. Possibly the best thing I ate in Sweden. And it was $9. I headed back to the hotel to work, and then later went to the lobby restaurant for Chris to eat dinner even though I was still full. The couple sitting next to us struck up a conversation, and it turned out the woman randomly knew me through my work AND had seven mutual Facebook friends with my dad. What are the chances??? Small world.

Even on the rainy days it was gorgeous.
More gorgeous?? These sausages.
Selfie stop!
Look at this place *heart eyes*

The next day was Saturday, so I was ready to hit the town early for some sightseeing. Chris… was not. But that’s ok, I know we vacation differently, so I knew I’d be a solo tourist. I started the day with a cinnamon bun, or kanelbullar as they say in Sweden. To be honest, I started EVERY day with one of those. Anyway, after an iced latte and sugar fuel, I headed to a 9:30 am Free Walking Tour. Free walking tours are the best when you first arrive in a new place because you learn things, get your bearings, AND it’s an easy thing to do solo and meet people. There are other tourists to take pictures of you, and the guides are always willing to give tips on things to see, places to eat, and where to spend your time.

The tour guide gave me my next destination, the changing of the guard. Supposedly this happens at the Royal Palace daily. It was a lot of pomp and circumstance and it took FOREVER. I left after about 40 minutes of the band playing and young soldiers marching around. I headed next to the Wooden Horse Museum, which is a souvenir shop, but it was still pretty cool. Wooden dala horses are kind of a symbol of Sweden, dating back thousands of years. After that, I went to the Nobel Prize Museum, which was small, but I learned a lot! Supposedly the Nobel Banquet is televised every year on December 10th and goes on for 5 hours. Meanwhile, I had never heard of it. I also learned that at the banquet, the only acceptable dessert to serve pre-2010 was ice cream. I had no idea. Me… an ice cream connoisseur!! They serve the famous ice cream in the museum café so of course I had to get this for lunch. It had sorbet, ice cream, and cotton candy. Also, it had Hanukkah gelt! (It was actually a fake chocolate coin Nobel Prize, but same thing.)

I searched Atlas Obscura for other strange things to see and explore, and found myself at the Public Library, which has supposedly been named one of the most beautiful libraries by Conde Nast Traveler. Unfortunately, there was quite a bit of construction happening, but I still got a chance to walk around the 360-degree balconies of books. After my exploring, I needed a snack, so I checked out another food stand I found in my research. This one was known for fried herring. I was extremely hesitant, but I ended up LOVING it! I got a smaller portion, kind of like an open-faced rye bread sandwich, for $4. The best part is, the half marathon was running right by the stand, so I took a seat on the bench and watched people run 13.1 miles while I reflected on my day of food: cinnamon bun, ice cream, fried herring.

I headed back to the hotel and woke my husband (it was 6 pm) for dinner. I saw from my quick online research that many people recommended a place called Pelikan for authentic Swedish food. It was in a neighborhood we hadn’t been to called Södermalm, which was described to us as the Brooklyn of Stockholm. I thought that was sus, but sure enough, I understood why they said that. The streets were filled with too-cool-for-school people, vintage stores, coffee shops, and bars. Very BK-esque. I ordered the Swedish meatballs for dinner (or just… “meatballs” in Stockholm), which were delicious and SO filling, I could only eat half! I was very glad we had a 30-minute walk home to digest.

My first of MANY cinnamon pastries.
Tiniest 6-inch status shown to us on the free walking tour.
Best part of free walking tours: free photographers!
Marching band at the changing of the guard.
So many young soldiers!
Nobel Prize-winning ice cream!! Sorta…
Little pit stop at the half marathon finish line.
Fried herring, YUM!
I got him to join me for dinner!
DELICIOUS meatballs.

Day 2! Are you exhausted yet? Thankfully I was not because Sunday was our ONLY sunny day. After my Day 1 discovery of the kanelbullar, I decided to google the best ones in Stockholm. Of course, they have an annual cinnamon bun competition, as one does. So I set out early to two bakeries that made the top 5 list to conduct my own taste test. That meant heading back to Södermalm. While I was there, I went to two lookout points to take in the sunny views, and it was absolutely breathtaking. I went back to the hotel to share my five pastries with Chris, and then we headed out to the HIGHLIGHT of the trip: Segways!!!

I am not going to go too much into Segways, because a full blog is coming. I actually can’t believe I haven’t written one yet! This was one of the best tours we had been on, mostly because the people were fun, no one was a beginner, and it was LONG! We got to go all around Stockholm and learn things, like that there is a whole island in the archipelago dedicated to ship-building, and that Sweden supplied torpedoes and other things to the Nazis (not too many locals advertise this). We only had 3 other people in our group and we had a BLAST zooming around the city for 2 hours.

We worked up an appetite and felt like something more substantial than a pastry, so we went for burgers at Boo Burger. I had no blog recommendations for this place, only google reviews, but they did not lead me astray – it was delicious!

Ever since I started researching Stockholm (3 days prior) I had heard it was the “Venice of the North” and I was dying to get on the water. Unfortunately, when I researched over lunch, I realized that the sightseeing tours only leave at 10:30 and 2 pm, so we missed out. Good news though, Stockholm has an extremely efficient public transit ferry system. We hopped on a ferry, which was very easy to access by just tapping our credit card at the entrance, and we did a little self-guided tour on Ferry 80, thanks to Google and “wikivoyage.” We had a very busy day, so we rewarded ourselves with a few hours at the hotel spa. They had a sauna and cold plunge but we just hung out in the “warm room” and read books. We capped off the night at Pharmarium, a cocktail bar that is in the building where the first pharmacy in Stockholm opened in 1575. It was cozy and the drinks were delicious.

Early bird gets the best views!
Just a FEW pastries
SEGWAY time!!
Got my other half to come to Stortorget with me.
SUCH good burgers omg.
WE’RE ON A BOAT!
We’re cute.
#VIEWS

Monday was our final day in Stockholm and by this point I bet you can guess how it started: pastries. I saved the top museums for the final day because it seemed like the perfect rainy morning activity before I had to start work. Chris came with me to museum #1: The Vasa Museum. The Vasa was a ship that went on her maiden voyage in 1628… for 20 minutes. Then it sank. 300 years later they found her at the bottom of the water almost completely preserved. The ship stands in its 98% original form in this museum and it really is remarkable. We did an English guided tour and explored for a bit, then Chris took the ferry back to the hotel. I went to the Abba Museum, which the internet specifically said not to go to alone, but I’m not one for rule-following. I did some singing to Dancing Queen, I did the photobooth, and I learned a LOT about ABBA that I did not know before (I knew almost nothing).

I went back to the hotel and worked for the afternoon and evening, until we went to dinner at the pièce de résistance: the Grand Hôtel in Stockholm, “home to celebrities, high-profile events and everyday bon-vivants since 1874.” This hotel is magnificent, and they host a nightly smorgasbord buffet at a reasonable price. Unfortunately and fortunately for us, it happened to be a seafood buffet that night. Unfortunately, because it was 2.5x the price, fortunately, because it was delicious and we ate all of the lobster and shrimp and crab and salmon and all other fish to our heart’s content. The views were also impeccable. It was a special way to cap off our trip.

The AMAZING Vasa.
Look at the detail!
Try to find which one is me!
See that girllll, Watch that sceneee
Selfie!
Selfie at our seafood feast

But our adventures were not over! The next morning, we headed to the airport… without Chris’s passport, which he had left in the safe in the hotel room. We made it to the airport within the check bag window by 5 minutes. This was the second time in 7 years that he forgot his passport for an international trip. That man sure does love to keep me on my toes!

If you’re interested in seeing videos of my days, I made an Instagram Reel for each day of my trip!

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

And of course, a compilation of food.

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Travel

The Honeymoon Phase

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Well guys, we got married. I guess that means we are now in the “honeymoon phase.” However, we have been together nearly 7.5 years so I think that era is long-gone (sorry, babe).

Good news is, getting married did give us a great excuse to take a vacation! And I know what you’re thinking, wasn’t your wedding in Cabo? Wasn’t that vacation enough?? And the answer is clearly “no.” Cabo was gorgeous and we had the most amazing time with family and friends, but we wanted time to hang out with each other and relax, and a wedding is not that.

When choosing where to go on a honeymoon, I was thinking of far-flung, once-in-a-lifetime places. Like Africa. Or the Maldives. But my husband, Mr. Finance, wanted a place that was in a relatively similar time zone in case he needed to check emails, and preferably with a nonstop flight since the flight delays and cancellations this summer have been terrible. Also, we planned to go in August so we had to think about hurricane season, and try to avoid it. Since we went to Aruba last summer, we decided to go to Curacao, its slightly larger next-door neighbor. The ABC (Aruba-Bonaire-Curacao) islands are below the hurricane belt, and JetBlue flies there direct 3 times per week!

The best part about a honeymoon is the feeling that you can splurge. And yes, I probably should have started this blog with an acknowledgment of our privilege but, yeah, we were not thinking about money at all during our trip. That said, things are not too expensive, so we didn’t spend a crazy amount. We did upgrade to EVEN MORE SPACE seats, though. BALLIN!

We decided not to stay at an all-inclusive resort. There are certainly pros and cons to both, but not having food included in the price opened up our budget to try new restaurants, new neighborhoods, and to be honest, it meant I drank a lot less! There’s this feeling at an all-inclusive that you need to eat and drink your money’s worth. At a regular hotel, there was all-day availability of drinks, and when I wanted one, I got one! I had an Aperol spritz almost every evening while getting ready for dinner. That said, it felt less like a booze-fest because I was more thoughtful about getting drinks and there was no alcohol in the room. Another big advantage of no all-inclusive was that we felt we could be more flexible about when and where we ate. For example, after jet-skiing (more on that later), there was a little bar at the pier and we decided to stay and hang out and do happy hour there. Since the drinks weren’t included at our hotel, there was no feeling of having to get back to “take advantage.”

More about the hotel, since we didn’t stay at a crazy all-inclusive resort, we were able to book the BIGGEST suite in the entire hotel. It was wholly unnecessary for 2 people and we felt like king and queen of the resort. I even filmed an MTV cribs-style video of the whole thing, it took 3:15 to walk around!! We had 2 separate wrap-around balconies, two full bathrooms, a living room, a kitchen, a bar, a dining table, a soaking tub, it was MASSIVE. And it was $200 less per night than the cheapest all-inclusive.

Our suite had double doors, that’s how you know it was big.
We both took advantage of this tub. Me with an aperol spritz of course.
The private beach at the hotel. absolutely gorgeous!

It’s no secret that Chris and I like to vacation differently. That’s why you see me always going on vacation with my friends. My friends and I love to explore and do ALL the things. I usually come back from vacation and feel like I need another immediately. Chris, on the other hand, likes to take vacation to RELAX. As in, he likes to stay in the room. In bed. Hang out. Watch tv. Be on his laptop. The good news is, we’ve been together a long time so we know this about each other. I tried to be respectful of his ideal vacation when I was looking at activities for our honeymoon. I tried to think of our top 3 activities we were both interested in doing, and then mixed in days between where we relaxed. Extra perk – I got a great tan reading on the beach and I finished two books! I also spent a lot of time on Alabama Rushtok. Typical honeymoon, amirite?

Last summer when Chris and I went to Aruba, we went on an ATV tour and had a blast. This year, we wanted to do something similarly adventurous, but a little different so we decided to jet ski. To be completely honest, it was not great. We chose to go at 4 pm so between the sun setting in our eyes and the salt water spraying in them, the visibility was abysmal. Also, I had never been on a jet ski before and the instructor didn’t really want to instruct. To make matters worse, my jet ski was broken and started to beep uncontrollably when I slowed down, and then stalled out. This meant I had to constantly go very fast, on a vehicle I’d never been on before, and when I couldn’t see. Not ideal. Halfway through, the instructor switched jet skis with me, which was terrifying on open water, but definitely helped because I never stalled out again! I pulled my adductor gripping on to the thing for dear life, which is still recovering, but I don’t regret doing it. It’s a story!

The next adventure we did was a full day boat trip to Klein Island, or little Curacao. This was way more our speed. We showed up to the dock, and they drove us around. The waters on the way there were ROUGH, but I had read about that in a lot of the reviews. I am not exaggerating, we ran out of barf buckets and had multiple people just heaving into plastic bags. Once Chris and I went to the top level to get away from the vomit, things went a lot smoother. We spent a leisurely day at the beach, on the boat, snorkling, and hiking to see an old lighthouse. It was a great day and while it was technically an excursion, it didn’t involve too much energy expenditure.

Our final big excursion was a day of beach hopping. We went to Grote Knip, where we heard the beach was one of the most beautiful on the island (it was). We went to Playa Forti to jump off of a cliff. By “we” I mean “me.” But my husband did an excellent job of watching our towels and filming the content for Instagram. An equally important role. We also went to Playa Piscado to snorkel with sea turtles, and I actually saw two! The water was SO clear it was amazing. We attempted to see wild flamingos on the way back to town, but unfortunately they were hiding from us, or from the heat.

Jet Ski Adventure!
Post jet ski, happy to be able to see again.
Boat Day and Klein Island
Selfie Ashore
Adorable and flattering photo of us both
Our ship!
Chris in his element. In the shade.
Hike to the Lighthouse
Getting suited up to search for turtles.
Found one!! TURTLE!
Do you see me jumping off the cliff?
HAIR UP!

Throughout our trip, we ate at great restaurants, and being on a small island for a week meant we had time to revisit some of our favorites. We had breakfast twice at BijBlau, where it was inexpensive, delicious, and you could sit literally on the beach. We had dinner twice at Rozendaals; Chris still dreams of the apple tart dessert. We had lunch and snacks twice at Gouverneur de Rouville and watched as the Queen Emma Bridge swung open and closed for boats. One night, we went to Coconut Night at Shelterrock Paradise, where they cooked our dinners in coconuts over an open fire, and ended with a lively night of karaoke led by both staff and guests. Chris impressed the crowd with his version of Frank Sinatra’s My Way, and I killed it in a song fitting for a honeymoon: Let’s Hear It for the Boy.

My honeymoon outfits were *chef’s kiss” if I do say so myself. I brought a combination of outfits I had bought specifically for the honeymoon, dresses I bought for our wedding in Mexico (look at me, so thrifty!), and I also subscribed to a month of Rent the Runway so I could have fun, new-to-me clothes. Unfortunately, despite my research prior to the trip, while the airport had plenty of American-style electric outlets, our hotel had zero. So my hair tools did not work and my hair… has definitely looked better. I tried my best using my limited resources, and I’d say we still had a great time despite my hair looking awful.

Our favorite breakfast spot on the beach
Our dining partner at breakfast
Best part, climbing on rocks while waiting for food.
Instagram Husband Gold
Our favorite drinks spot with A+ view
Selfie on Queen Emma Bridge
<3 <3 <3
Coconut Night!
YUM
Followed by Karaoke

Since we went to Aruba last year, a lot of people have asked me which island we preferred and it’s tough to say! We had very different trips. For one, in Aruba we stayed at an all-inclusive and did not rent a car. While we did a few excursions, we mostly stayed on the hotel grounds. Also, it’s much smaller so a car isn’t needed as much. In Curacao, we were there longer, we explored more, we drove around the island, and we ate all of our meals outside the hotel. There was no room service at all, so we really explored restaurants and snacks/drinks places. It also felt a lot more foreign! The first language in Aruba seemed to be English. Everywhere we went, people greeted us in English and took US Dollars. In Curacao, it seemed we were the lone Americans. Most tourists were Dutch and spoke Dutch, and the menus were all listed in Antillean guilder (ANG), or NAf. Both islands had gorgeous beaches, perfect, sunny days, and amazing Aperol Spritz. And of course my adorable husband!

Now we are back to real life and already dreaming of our next vacation.

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Miscellaneous

Online Shopping for My Mental Health

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How are y’all doing? Depressed? Hopeless? In a constant state of “fuck my life?” Same, girl. But don’t worry, I have two solutions for you. They both involve your computer and a lot of money: online shopping, and booking that TRIP, baby!!!

Personally, I have found myself in a state of depression similar to where I was in April/May 2020. I’m talking peak Covid. Of course, I’m kidding, Covid has peaked multiple times higher since then, but y’all remember the feeling. Back in mid-2020, I found myself a fantastic coping mechanism. Why go to therapy when you can online shop?

You may remember the days in mid-2020. We were locked in our homes or we were staying with parents/relatives because we fled our own homes. We discovered TikTok and Tiger King. We were watching celebrities sing Beatles songs thinking that would fix the global pandemic. We were ruled by a crazy man who didn’t believe in science. It was a difficult time to be alive. Back then, I discovered many new hobbies that all involved spending money. I subscribed to FabFitFun. I bought 140 colors of nail dip powder. I bought a blow-up pool for the backyard. I was “thriving.”

Well, fast-forward two years and here we are again! If you are a woman, you wake up every day with less rights. If you are a person of color, you wake up every day with a twitter notification that the people who are employed to “protect and serve” have shot someone who looks like you 60 times in the back. If you don’t believe that Jesus is your savior, your religious “freedoms” are at risk constantly. Oh, and also, if you go to anywhere, to school, to the movies, to a parade, to the grocery store etc., you may get shot.

BUT DO NOT FRET. Online shopping is there to save you. Scared to go to the movie theater?? Just boot up that computer and type in jcrew.com. Scared you may never come home from the grocery store? Become a Maxxinista right from your couch. Afraid of having an ectopic pregnancy and then dying as a result of it? No worries, Farm Rio is having a sale!!

Last weekend, I was in peak depression, but then I remembered that I was going on a honeymoon in August. I needed new items!! “Needed.” I have no shorts that I love. So, I went to fashionnova.com. The serotonin boost was IMMEDIATE. But then I needed shirts and comfortable dresses so I hit up TJ Maxx online. And how can I forget adorable walkable sandals? DSW to the rescue. I am not sure if you think I’m kidding but I am not. I also may have finally pulled the trigger (pun intended) on two swimsuits from Summersalt that I have been coveting for years. THERE WAS A SALE.

Why do I love online shopping? I think it’s three things: predictability, excitement, and having something to look forward to. The predictability is great. I know there will be so many things to choose from, and they are right at my fingertips! Also, if you buy enough things, one or two of them are bound to fit. I also love the excitement of knowing I have packages coming. I open my USPS Informed Delivery email every morning, excited that the packages that are on the way are more than just toilet paper and dishwasher pods. It gives me something to wake up for in the morning! The real key is that you want predictability AND unpredictability. Surprise! I ordered so many things that I FORGOT one and I got an EXTRA package! Oh yes! The Tommy Bahama beach chairs with insulated pocket that fits 2 wine bottles! What a rush.

In case you have exhausted this form of serotonin rush, or your closet is completely packed to the gills, do not worry, I have another solution: BOOK A VACATION.

This seems self-explanatory but let me explain anyway. We wake up every day with the fear of death. This is literally what Drake was talking about when he coined the term YOLO. Book the trip, y’all. See new places. Visit new countries. Drink unlimited pina coladas on the beach. Go to a cabin with friends in the fall and spend every night drinking wine in the hot tub or around a fire pit. Use your vacation days. Or don’t! Work remotely and book that trip anyway.

I am trying to have something to look forward to every month. So far I’ve got a beach trip this week with my mom and sister. Then August I have a wedding in Boston and a honeymoon. Then September I have nothing but that’s just gearing up for October, when I will spend half the month in Australia. Then November, I have a work trip and I am trying to plan a Northeast cabin trip with friends. Then of course Thanksgiving when I’ll go see my parents and HOPEFULLY have the Macy’s Parade to look forward to. December of course will be Christmas with Chris’s family. It’s looking like a busy and fun rest of 2022!

I recommend planning constant vacations to give you a sense of predictability and something to look forward to. Extra bonus, you may need to do some online shopping for vacation-worthy outfits!

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Wedding

I Do or I Do Not – Should You Have a Destination Wedding?

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One of the first questions I get about our wedding is why we chose to have it in Cabo, and why we wanted a destination wedding in general. We chose Cabo because there were direct flights from New York, it was a bit different and more romantic than Cancun, and because the resort answered my email quickly and they had our requested weekend available. Our initial choice was Ixtapa, on the Pacific coast of Mexico, but the resort ghosted me for a month after our initial 2 emails.

As for why we chose to have a destination wedding, the honest answer is that we didn’t necessarily want a destination wedding, and Chris was really on the fence. But after weighing the pros and cons, it seemed like the only logical choice and, as Chris will get used to in our marriage, I was right. He even admitted it! If you are considering a destination wedding, my advice would be: DO IT. You’ll see from the grossly uneven list below that it is the correct choice.

Pros:

Why Not?: At this point in my life (mid-30’s – yikes!), almost everyone has moved away from “home.” That means every wedding is a “destination” wedding in terms of having to pay for a flight and a hotel. So why not make it a vacation, too? I have only been to one wedding in my life that did not require a hotel stay, and a handful that didn’t require a flight. And I have been to a LOT of weddings. The flight + hotel for my wedding in Cabo was honestly less expensive than many other weddings I have attended in Cleveland, Bozeman, and Las Vegas. And all of the food and drinks and entertainment were included! There were things to do during the day, like aqua aerobics, trivia in the pool, and line dancing on beach, and there were activities at night like live music, and foam parties at the club. And of course, lots of drinking.

Budget: Destination weddings are CHEAP! Relative to having a wedding in the United States, especially in a city, a destination wedding is a fraction of the cost. Labor is cheaper in Mexico, but also, having everything in one place meant we did not need to think about bringing in vendors like catering, table and chairs rentals, and of course the dreaded transportation costs. None of that was needed and it was all on-site.

Wedding Planner Included: This is related to budget, but when we were thinking about planning a wedding, it was extremely overwhelming. We both have full time jobs and adding a new title of “party planner” to my resume was not something I had the energy to do. Also, since we knew we were going to get married outside of New York City, we would need help finding vendors in that place and a wedding planner would need to make those connections for us. For that reason, we knew we would need a wedding planner, and not just a day-of coordinator. We realized we were going to be spending ~$8K-$10K on a planner at a minimum. At all-inclusive resorts, the planner is part of the package.

Where do we want to get married?: Most couples nowadays meet online, or meet in a city that is neither of their hometowns. Historically, a wedding takes place where the bride grew up, but my parents don’t live where I grew up anymore and I have no more ties to Florida, nor would we have anywhere to stay while we looked at venues. Chris and I didn’t have a single place in common besides New York City, where venues start at $15,000 just for the space. Since we didn’t have a place we really wanted to get married anyway, we decided to pick somewhere beautiful.

Scenery: When I was planning our wedding, I said to my friends that we were not paying for any extras they offered, like special plates or tablecloths or paper lantern lighting. I joked and said the beach was the decoration, but you know what? It was. It was GORGEOUS. I showed my friends the photo below and one of them said it looked fake, another said it looked like a magazine. The background of every photo is stunning. At zero additional cost!

GORGEOUS.
Minimal decorations at the party with my bro.
I mean come on. This pic!?
The not fake photo. Even the wind was perfect for my train!

They know their sh*t: Perhaps that wasn’t the most eloquent wording but it’s true. These resorts produce weddings like a well-oiled machine. They know what they are doing because they do it every day. Things run smoothly, on time, flowers are where they are supposed to be, there are contingency plans in place, and it is easy. We planned our entire wedding with about 30 emails back and forth. We booked our florist by email (the one they recommended) and we used their DJ. We filled out a music questionnaire by email. We filled out our cake order online. Everything was done in a few quick spreadsheets and it came to life seamlessly. We met with the wedding planner 2 days before the wedding and reviewed all of the details. She assured us she knew what she was doing, and it went perfectly. Also, there’s a huge benefit to working with vendors who know the venue like the back of their hand. Our photographer knew every spot in the resort where photos would look amazing. The one of me below was the outside of the Indian restaurant. And that random window and hallway shot… none of those could have been done without a skilled photographer who knew the space. There was even a wedding 2 hours after us, and we met the other couple in the pool the day before. We ran into them while we were both taking photos and snapped one with them. It was so fun to have another couple experiencing it with us.

Our buddies, the other bride and groom (also named Chris!)
How adorable is this window shot. He knew all the spots!
Taken outside the Indian restaurant.
Look how beautiful these flowers were!

Spending quality time with everyone: This is by far the biggest positive of having a destination wedding. My main gripe with spending a lot of money to travel to weddings is when I don’t even get to see the couple. This has happened to me a few times, where I fly somewhere, get a hotel room, and I’m not even in the bridal party so I don’t go to the rehearsal dinner. I just show up at the wedding, see the couple when they walk around to greet each table, and I also dance with them on the dance floor for 5-10 minutes. Then I fly home and send a gift. It’s the worst and I always go home feeling like I wasted my money and time. When you have a destination wedding, it’s like going on a family reunion/friends vacation. You have DAYS to hang out with everyone at the pool, have breakfast and coffee, do shots at the foam party, and pretend to do aqua aerobics while sipping pina coladas. The best part is there is zero pressure to chat with everyone at the reception and greet each table, because you’ve already been spending days with them. It’s a win-win, and you can go home feeling like you had quality time with each of your guests. I left Mexico feeling closer to the people I already knew, and feeling like I forged real relationships with those I had just met.

Cons:

I warned you up top that there are very few negatives to having a destination wedding, but after racking my brain, I could only think of 4, and you will see below that I don’t even truly believe all of them.

  1. Not everyone will be able to attend: If you want a huge wedding with everyone in your family in attendance, then you should not have a destination wedding. Having a wedding outside of the country does require a passport, so you will be cutting out some of your guest list by having a wedding abroad. However, as I mentioned above, every wedding will have a cost for guests unless you live in the same place where you grew up, so there will always be some people who cannot attend.
  2. You do not want your guests to spend a lot of money: Again, I don’t truly believe this is possible and there are ways around this. For example, we told our guests they did not need to give gifts because we knew they were spending a lot of money to come. We also paid for some of our close family’s hotel rooms if we knew they couldn’t otherwise afford to come. Personally, the Cabo wedding was not even the most expensive one I went to this year!
  3. You have a family with food issues/special requirements: All-inclusive resorts are nice because they have unlimited food available at all times. They also usually have a lot of different kinds of food. But if you have family with food requirements, like if they are vegetarian, vegan, kosher, etc, it may be difficult for them to find food. For a normal wedding, you only need to worry about one meal for them. At a destination wedding, you have DAYS of meals and with limited options, it can be repetitive and non-nutritious for those family members.
  4. You want a SUPER UNIQUE wedding: It’s true, most resorts are “wedding machines.” This means there will be many other brides and grooms out there who had a similar experience to you. As I mentioned, there was another couple who got married on the same exact day as us! However, this also means that things are well-planned and run smoothly. Also, if I’m honest, I’ve been to around 30 weddings and I’m sure the couple always thinks they are unique – they are not. A wedding is a wedding. It may be an expensive wedding, but it will not be as different as you think it is. Sure, there’s an ice sculpture or a chuppah draped in flowers, but at the end of the day, it’s a party.

As you can see, I think the pros extremely outweigh the cons, but I’m interested to hear your thoughts. Have you been to a destination wedding? Do you think it was better or worse than a regular wedding? Did it cost you more money?

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Wedding

Wedding Tips & Tricks

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I promised you another installment of wedding content and this one may be the most important one. If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that I have been a wedding guest A LOT. I’m a pro. But now I’ve also been the bride and I have picked up a lot of tips and tricks along the way.

My first tip: Have a glam team. I know not everyone is like me, but hair is IMPORTANT. Having bad wedding hair is listed as a regret on every single Betches Brides Wedding podcast episode. As you know, I flew in Alli from @playbraids to do my hair for my wedding. This was by far the best decision I made, aside from picking the husband. Not only did it make it easy because she was able to do multiple looks on multiple days, but she was friendly and fun for all of my friends to hang out with (and me, of course!). And most importantly, it took away a HUGE piece of wedding stress for me. The less stress, the better. I felt pressured to have amazing hair, and Alli understood the assignment. She was a huge trooper, helped me film multiple tiktoks, styled my mom’s hair and my best friend’s, and put up with/loved the Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion vibes. There’s this amazing video she took while the photographer was taking serious portraits of me, and you can hear WAP blasting in the background. Special bonus, my family also fell in love with her, and my mom announced that she’s another honorary daughter of hers now. Almost every person who has seen photos of the wedding has commented on my amazing hair. #WORTHEVERYPENNY

Casual Photoshoot and Rehearsal Dinner Hair
Wedding morning!
I wish I could wear those extensions every day.
Finishing touches!
Alli and my Momma, new BFFs!

Here’s a tip for your guest list: keep it small. Some people with large families don’t have this option, but I recommend it. With this pandemic becoming a part of our everyday lives, the trend of “micro-weddings” has continued and I couldn’t love it more. We ended up with 51 guests (and a wedding crasher, more on that later) and it was the perfect amount to feel like we had close friends and family, a full dance floor, and people all over the resort. In fact, the morning of the wedding I was trying not to run into anyone, but sure enough I ran into one of Chris’s best friends at the coffee shop. It felt intimate and small, but also like we were surrounded by everyone in our lives.

Regarding toasts and hand-written vows: do them. Both. First the toasts. Choose these people wisely. No one wants to be bored while they are trapped at their tables and far from the bar. Choose entertaining people who will also have unique perspectives on the bride and groom. You don’t want 8 friends all talking about the same things. Chris’s dad told a story I had never heard before about him as a kid. And it was so fun to hear about his childhood from his siblings. For my side, I had one speech from my family (a poem – so funny) and one from my best friend (also hysterical, I cried and laughed). Having different types of people (siblings, parents, friends) makes for different types of speeches and keeps things interesting. Our speeches went a little long, but I think everyone enjoyed them, although I may be biased.

As for vows, I know it can be time-consuming and stressful to add this on top of other wedding planning, but it’s worth it. I understand that not every person enjoys speaking in front of a crowd, but if you pretend it’s just you and your future spouse, it makes it easier. Almost everyone at our wedding knew one of us well since it was a small guest list, and it still made the wedding an engaging experience to include our guests in our love and reasons for choosing to be with this person for life. The day after the ceremony, I had one couple (who is getting married this weekend!) tell me that they planned to read their vows to each other in private, but they were reconsidering because it felt so special to hear ours. Also, the practice of writing your own vows is so special. It forces you to think of when you knew they were your person and what you love and cherish about them. The whole point of inviting people to celebrate with you in your love is to explain those reasons to them. It makes it feel more personal.

Family poem
BFF toast… so funny!

Here’s a tip for the anxious brides: only control the things you want to control. If the bridesmaid dresses don’t really matter to you, don’t worry about them! I just wanted my bridesmaids to be comfortable, so I let them pick. Granted, I only had 2 bridesmaids, so it was easier for them to coordinate themselves, but I did not want to sweat the small stuff. Another thing I didn’t care about was the groomsmen, so I let Chris pick. Yes, I was a little nervous when 2 months prior he said he hadn’t picked outfits or communicated with them, but my husband is bit of a posh spice (yes, I called him that in my vows), so I knew I could trust him to figure it out. And he did! Less stress for me.

One more tip about stress: there are some things that will be out of your control. You can’t stress about them because you cannot change them. Flight changes? CHECK. They are going to happen. Our flight to Mexico was canceled the night before. We booked another flight that night. Was it way more money than the original? Yes. But we didn’t really have a choice and I chose not to stress about it. Our MC got stuck in traffic and never arrived. But the photographer’s assistant offered to step up, and what was I going to say? No? Of course not. I said sure! And we went through the list of names for speeches and dances and she killed it. No one even noticed. These things happen and you need to make a conscious decision to just go with the flow. Having an open bar helps.

Here’s a tip regarding an expensive cake: save on the cake, splurge on the cake topper! By the time cake hits the table, most people will be up dancing. And if they aren’t, they’re probably drunk. Hell, if it’s a good party at all, probably everyone will be drunk. People are not going to appreciate the flavor and moistness of the cake. But they WILL appreciate an aesthetic. We were lucky enough to have my aunt make us a cake topper that looked just like us on our wedding day. She made the bride wear my dress, carry my bouquet, she even put highlights and a braid in her hair! Chris also looked dapper in a blue suit and white boutonniere. Everyone LOVED it. We have a google album of guest photos, and there must be 15 different people who took photos of the cake topper. And the best part: it now sits in our living room smackdab in the middle of our bookshelf. Our cleaner saw it last week and was in SHOCK she loved it so much.

Here’s another unconventional trick: do a fun (not slow) father-daughter dance. My dad and I started out slow with Lee Ann Womack’s I Hope You Dance, and after 1 minute we transitioned into a zydeco number, Daddy Lessons by The Chicks and Beyonce. It was a HUGE hit. People were laughing and clapping, and my dad and I had a blast. I heard comments about it from our guests all weekend long! It was engaging and it sped up the tedious first 30 minutes of watching dances and speeches.

Our gorgeous cake (could not tell you what it tasted like)
HOW CUTE!?!
Me, Chris, our mini-mes, and my crazy-talented aunt who made it for us!
We started out slow.
Then… all zydeco broke loose!
We had an absolute blast.

One of the more controversial points in this blog is about welcome baskets. I think that whether you need them depends on where you have the wedding. If you know people are flying in, not renting cars, and the hotel is in an isolated place, then I would recommend them. Water and snacks are not always available, and when they are, they’re crazy expensive. If you can’t walk down the street to a bodega or a Walgreens, I’d say it’s a nice thing to offer. However, I think they can be simple. If your wedding is local, or in a city with many things around, they’re unnecessary. And welcome baskets are definitely not necessary at all-inclusives. For my wedding there were beverages included in every room (alcoholic, non-alcoholic and water), and I made sure everyone knew that I had Advil, ibuprofen and sunscreen for everyone. Also, there was food and room service available 24/7 for free if people got hungry. We gave out engraved reusable straws as favors, and I don’t think shipping boxes of crap and snacks to Mexico and forcing people to carry it home in their already-stuffed carry-ons was necessary.

My final tip, and the perfect segue into the next installment of wedding content: Have a destination wedding. I won’t delve into it too much here since I am going to write a whole other blog about this, but suffice it to say, it was the right decision for us. I know some people say this isn’t an option because of family pressure or cost of travel but let me tell you, it was not that expensive. It was beautiful. And it was FUN. More on that next time!

Do you have any tips or tricks you’ve picked up from being a bride, groom, or repeat guest? Let me know in the comments!

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