May 2025 – LongLegsBigCity

Fast and Slow

May 21, 2025 2 Comments

I have learned a lot of things in the 10 months since A was born. Some things I have learned from experience, some from trial and error, and a good majority from Google and ChatGPT. I’ve learned practical skills, like how to dodge active parabolas of pee from an open diaper, and how long a bottle of formula can stay out at room temperature. I have also learned more abstract things, like patience, and SPEED.

I can say with confidence I have never moved as slow, or as fast, as I have in the last 10 months.

Let me tell you a story that inspired this post. About a month ago, I was on a glorious solo adventure to my favorite happy place, Trader Joe’s. I was at the checkout, chit-chatting away with the cashier, as one does at TJ’s, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw my empty basket falling off the side tray. Immediately without breaking conversation, I grabbed the basket to keep it from falling, but I was met with resistance. Turns out, there was a person attached to the basket, another Trader Joe’s employee who was collecting empty baskets. I reacted so quickly with my new cat-like reflexes, that it didn’t even occur to me that perhaps the basket was being intentionally moved. I started laughing and said to my new BFF, the cashier, “that’s how you know I have a mobile infant at home.”

I am QUICK now. Is A falling off the bed? Not on my watch. Is he trying to walk when he can’t quite yet and about to fall on the kitchen tiles? Not if I’m there. Is he trying to stuff my entire cell phone in his mouth as a teething toy? Ok, sometimes I am not quick enough with that one. My phone is covered in saliva about 20% of any given day.

I have become very fast, and I see EVERYTHING.

Sometimes, that speed comes at a cost. Example: last week, we were 10 minutes from bedtime, and I was trying to do all of the things that make noise, so I didn’t have to do them while he was sleeping. One of those quick-before-bed tasks is emptying the dishwasher because all of our things are glass and create loud noises when stacked in the cabinet. I am VERY fast at emptying the dishwasher. Too fast. This particular time, I broke a ceramic bowl. I have broken 5 or 6 things since A was born. Oops.

Other examples of speed? Preparing food in under a minute between when A is strapped in the high chair, and when he will unquestionably have a melt down because he doesn’t have food in his mouth within 60 seconds. Also an example of my speediness: folding laundry, making formula, washing all bottles, showering, putting the toys away, and watching an episode of The Pitt during one afternoon nap.

As I mentioned before, though, I have also learned to be veryyyy slow. I used to bring my phone when I would put A down to sleep. This was because I was breastfeeding and bored, but also because A didn’t know anything about phones. Now, phones are his favorite thing in the world (remember the saliva), so I spend a majority of my days hiding my phone from him and often from myself, where I can’t find it for hours. Anyway, my point is, I can no longer bring my phone when I’m putting him to sleep. That means every night, and twice a day for naps, I have at least 20 minutes of feeding a bottle while I stare at the wall, or close my eyes and just breathe. I don’t think I’ve done that in my entire life. I am a veryyyy on-the-go type of gal. I am NOT the breathe and stare at the wall type of gal. Well, I guess I am now.

I have also learned to sit and watch A while he covers his entire body, hair to toes, in food. I calmly pick up his spoon from the floor every time he drops or throws it and give it back to him. This goes on for about 30 minutes, 3 times a day. Every day. I honestly don’t know how I do it. I believe this is a superhuman power, worthy of commendation. I am thinking I should put it on my resume, although I may need to wordsmith it with a punchy action verb. I’m thinking, “Persevere and maintain serenity while child smears food on his person and the entire room 90 minutes daily.”

I am also now great at watching him watch things. Last weekend, I watched him watch the dryer for 10 full minutes. He was flapping his arms and squealing in excitement. I was sitting 5 feet away, phone hidden somewhere, watching him watch. One of our favorite evening activities is going to Lincoln Center and watching the fountain. Well, he watches the fountain. For many, many minutes. I mostly people-watch and judge the fashion of the opera-goers. Every night, and sometimes every morning, same walk, same fountain, same staring. When it’s raining and we can’t get to the fountain, we just watch the water feature in the lobby of our apartment building. For many, many minutes. Very slow. And I am thankful for every minute he is happy and squealing.

I won’t lie and say I never lose my patience. Sometimes I do. In fact, earlier this week after vodka sauce and avocado was all over the floor and I had picked up his spoon 13 times and given it back to him (without rinsing, who the hell got time for that?), I had to close my eyes and take 4 deep breaths. Every phase has difficulties, and my current absolute struggle is mealtime cleanups. But, eventually it gets done, and then we are back at the dryer or back at the box my espresso machine came in, flapping the box flaps up and down for 10 minutes.

I am sure someday I will remember these days fondly in all of their difficulties and slowness. I’ll wish that he spent more time crawling into my lap and covering my face with “kisses” aka saliva. For now, we just discovered swings last weekend, so that has been added to our repetitive repertoire. If you have other great ways to entertain an extremely active 10 month old, send them my way.

Parenting After Loss

8 Weeks with Baby A, 28 Weeks Late

May 14, 2025 3 Comments

Last week when I decided to write about my New England Road Trip, I looked back to see when I had last posted. Imagine my surprise when I realized I had written a blog in late September, but never posted it.

Actually, I was not surprised at all because I was functioning on about 4 total brain cells. Good news is, I still have the never-published content and before I start posting new alive-baby-parenting content (which I fully intend to do… I’m determined!), I figured I would publish my 7-month-old post. Next week, I’ll post more about my current thoughts – it will be fun to see how much has changed!

Whew! We are back on the blog. I will probably get 3 paragraphs written before I am once again needed as a milk maid, so this may be brief.

A is healthy and he is GROWING. And I do mean that in all caps. That boy eats and eats and eats, and he is packing on the pounds! He is almost 4 pounds heavier than he was when we left the hospital, so he has basically gained 70% of his weight in 8 weeks. Imagine if that happened to you? Yikes.

Being a new mom of a living baby is HARD.

There are a few things that no one really talks about, and since so many moms gatekeep this VERY important information, I am going to share it.

Breastfeeding is the devil, I don’t care what anyone says. I am 100% convinced that anyone who says it’s easy and they are “lucky” is lying. I don’t believe it is easy for anyone. There are far too many products on the market to ameliorate a myriad of issues related to it for it to be “easy” for anyone. I believe that people get used to it, but I don’t believe that it’s just fine.
Another fact that was gatekept: newborns are LOUD AF when they sleep. I don’t know who came up with the term, “sleeping like a baby,” but NOT MY BABY. I asked a mom friend (hi Randi!) why my child sounded like he was in horrific agonizing grunting pain every time he slept but appeared peaceful and she called them “gremlin noises,” which is exactly right. My son is a bridge troll. Supposedly it gets better with time. TBD. I’ll tell you this, it’s impossible for ME to sleep through, no matter how calm he looks. This brings me to my next point,

Being a new mom of a living baby is HARD. But being a loss mom of a living baby is harder. I know way too many ways for him to die.Every little noise sends me into complete panic. Yes, he LOOKS calm but IS HE DYING?! The answer in my brain is YES, NO QUESTION. You should see my 4 am Google searches. They almost all start with, “is something wrong if…” or “is it normal if…” or “is my 6 week old dying if…”

My husband and I have been experimenting with all different types of sleeping arrangements, different rooms, splitting time in the night, splitting rooms, switching sides of the bed, having family come to help, etc. We have been playing musical chairs with the couch, our bed and the guest bed. So far, nothing has really worked to reduce my anxiety besides just me removing myself from the rooms our baby is in. My husband’s been taking nights completely solo, even though he has been back at work for over a month. While I hate that he has to do that, I need to make sure I’m awake and alert during the day when I’m alone with A. It has definitely been a balancing act, and again, I’m so lucky to have a supportive partner.

I won’t even get into the “mom guilt” associated with not being able to sleep in the same room as my child, but that could be a whole other post and I’m already on borrowed time – valuable time that I could be sleeping!

Oh yes, another point I wanted to raise. I LOVE FOOD. But I had never been faced with the question, “if you had one hour and you could either eat or sleep, which would you do?” If you asked me 3 months ago, I would have said eat. Not anymore. Eating has been a huge challenge because my answer to that question is always “sleep,” and it wins every time. But I know I need to fuel my body and I’ve been asking some mom friends for their easiest, “eat this over your child’s head while feeding them” snacks because I have been struggling to figure it out. As an always-chubby-kid, never once in my life did I hear a doctor say they were “concerned about my rapid weight loss,” which is what my nephrologist said to me last week. HA! Someone please call my childhood pediatrician. Anyway, I’ve stocked up on protein bars and pretzels and cheese slices and trail mix, and other things I can easily munch on. Another reminder here not to comment on a woman’s body, because every time someone says I look “great for just having a baby,” it reminds me how I am struggling to find time to both care for my child and eat food.

For some reason I thought that babies would take a lot of naps, probably because the internet says so. What they didn’t say was, your baby will only take naps ON YOU, on your chest, with you 100% ramrod still and barely breathing. God forbid you have to get up to pee: cue meltdown.

OR, the other option, they’ll nap in a carrier, strapped to your front, while you are walking. God forbid you stop walking: cue meltdown.

Depending on his nap of choice, I either get <2000 steps for the day, or >16,000.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love the cuddles, and he smells like a newborn, which is the best smell ever, (sometimes mixed with poo), and I feel so incredibly lucky to have him in my arms. I just thought I’d get more done. Alas, there is a season for everything, and this season is not the one for productivity!

I will be on the blog whenever I can manage, but for now, you can find me covered in bodily fluids (some mine, some his) and on the floor, saying things like, “What do you see? A wall? Cool!”

Photo for reference. Me, eating a taco bowl over my sleeping baby’s head. Very normal. Also, he was 15 weeks here, so you can see this trend didn’t stop.

Parenting After Loss

Another First Mother’s Day

May 11, 2025 No Comments

Here we are, my very first Mother’s Day with a living baby. But… it’s not my first Mother’s Day.

In 2022, I was 1 week away from my wedding when Mother’s Day hit. It was the furthest thing from my mind. I called my mom, of course, but Mother’s Day wasn’t a big thing in our house growing up, so we didn’t have any huge tradition.

Later in 2022, I became pregnant with Maliyah, and in March 2023, I became not-pregnant. But, no living baby. All before Mother’s Day, 2023.

Was Mother’s Day 2023 my first Mother’s Day? Did I become a mom when I got pregnant? Did I become a mom when I went through labor and delivery? Or did I not become a mom because I never had a living baby in my arms? Mother’s Day 2023 was not only extremely depressing, but very confusing. I hid from the world. I remember I called my mom early in the morning to make sure I didn’t forget, and to get it out of the way so I could hide in my apartment all day. I was terrified to see intact families with alive children at a restaurant, or on the sidewalk, or in the card aisle of Duane Reade. Actually, that’s not true. I went to the movie theater and got a bucket of popcorn and THEN hid at home and ate it by myself in bed.

Then in 2024, I was around 29 weeks pregnant with A when Mother’s Day rolled around. Was 2024 my first Mother’s Day? I was visibly pregnant, but I still had no confidence that I’d be bringing home an alive baby. I received a lot of “Happy Mother’s Days.” It was extremely weird and depressing yet again, because no one recognized me the year prior. I felt just as much a mom in 2024 at Mother’s Day as I felt in 2023. In 2023 I had no living children and I had been 25 weeks pregnant earlier that year. In 2024, I had no living child and I was 29 weeks pregnant. What was the difference?

And now, it’s 2025. And again, I struggle to decide if it’s my first Mother’s Day. People seem to think it is. I have a living baby. (I am writing this 2 days in advance, but I hope he is still alive Sunday). I went through (another) labor and delivery in the past 12 months. I think now, to the whole population, there’s no question I am a mom. But the question remains, was I before? It’s confusing.

Here’s what I know: It’s hard being a dead baby’s mom. It’s hard being an alive baby’s mom. They are both exhausting. One because you’re busy doing nothing but crying all day long. The other, because you’re busy doing nothing but trying to prevent another person from crying all day long. But only the latter is recognized by Hallmark.

I am torn between which is “harder,” but I know I do a lot now for A every day. Early wake ups. Late wakeups. Clean ups. Wipe downs. Stroller walks. Carrier walks. Cleaning toys. Cleaning poop. Cleaning floors. Cleaning bottles. Rocking. Crawling. Mimicking Pterodactyl sounds. It’s a lot, and I appreciate being recognized for it. On Mother’s Day, yes, but also on other days. Chris got me flowers on Friday. They are beautiful. Part of me wants to go out to brunch at a restaurant with my alive baby, and just be a normal alive-baby-mom for normal Mother’s Day. I wanted that so badly for so many years. But part of me feels weird forgetting about those years like they didn’t happen. I’m also thinking of all of the other non-visible moms hiding in their homes from the Duane Reade card aisle. Part of me is still them.

When A was born, I received a gift of “My First” bibs, with all of the holidays including Mother’s Day. This whole week I have been looking forward to wearing matching outfits, me in a dress, and A in a romper, and putting him in his “My First Mother’s Day” bib for photos. Again, it’s definitely his first Mother’s Day, but is it mine?

Then Wednesday, I started thinking about what that same photo would look like with Maliyah in a matching dress, standing on her own, running around while I held Amari, who still can’t quite stand without support. How strange I could have two kids. How strange I DO have two kids, but only one who is here for photos. I’m waiting to feel like a normal mom. Some days, I feel like one, but on holidays like these, it’s hard not to feel different.

I’ll end by saying happy Mother’s Day to everyone who believes they are a mom, whether or not you are recognized by strangers, families, Hallmark or anyone else. I see you and I celebrate you and your strength.

Miscellaneous, Travel

New England Road Trip

May 7, 2025 10 Comments

Three weeks ago, I went on a 3-day whirlwind road trip through New England, which seems as good an occasion as any to come back to the blog! We hit seven states from Monday at noon to Thursday at noon. That’s a lot of driving, and a LOT of snacks, as you’ll see. NY to CT to RI to MA to NH to ME and back to NH to MA to RI to CT to NJ to NY.

I thought about organizing this blog into places, activities and food, but that seemed more confusing, and less impressive than chronological, because I know you will be floored with the amount of ground we covered.

First question I repeatedly got: Where was your child? At home. With his other parent. And nanny. Praise the lord for our nanny. More on that another time.

Second question I got: Why? Because I was off work for the week and needed some girlie time. And my BFF was visiting from Australia. And I had never been to Maine.

We booked the car four days before setting off, and then the next day we booked three bed and breakfasts, the first in Bristol, Rhode Island, then in Kennebunk, Maine, and then in Madison, Connecticut. We didn’t plan or book anything else, but we created a Google Map with about 50 things pinned as possibilities. Many were closed for the season or closed on the random days we were going, but don’t you worry, we found a lot to do.

The main (pun intended) purpose of the road trip was to spend time together, so we knew that no matter what happened, we would have fun.

Our first step was to set up the car’s Bluetooth. I had driven a car the month prior, but before that, I hadn’t been behind the wheel for a year #CityGirl. Kat drives often, but on the other side of the road. We needed navigation help. Special shoutout to Google maps.

But more importantly, we needed playlists. Our jams varied from 2000’s pop to Lady Gaga’s new album, “The Most Hype Taylor Swift Playlist,” to the Wicked soundtrack, Boy Bands, and Simon and Garfunkel. Basically, only the best music.

Once we had a map and some songs on deck, we hit the road. We set our navigation for Mystic. Connecticut, and then started driving. We thought we would go to Mystic for lunch, but we found so many fun places to stop along the way that we didn’t end up in Mystic until nearly 5 pm.

First, we saw a billboard for the Pez factory. Excuse me? This did not show up on any of our research. ChatGPT didn’t mention it, Atlas Obscura somehow missed it, too. But thank God we saw that billboard while scream-singing The Wizard and I, because this place was AMAZING. Caps are intended, I could literally write an entire blog about this place. For starters, it was $5 to get in, and it came with a $4 coupon for merch. Then we were greeted with a scavenger hunt game to find and identify different Pez dispensers and spin the wheel for a prize. We were triumphant (with only a little bit of looking over kids’ shoulders)! I cannot recommend this place enough, we had so much fun!

We continued up the road and realized we’d be driving through New Haven. While Kat had been there before, I hadn’t! We had to make a stop and see Yale, where Rory went to school. Rory from Gilmore Girls, of course, our favorite show. More on that later. Yale was absolutely stunning. We first stopped at Cookie39 for some snacks to bring on our campus walk, and it happened to be Cookie Happy Hour, which I did not know was a thing, but I love that it is. We took our Cheesecake, Peanut Butter and Snickerdoodle cookies for a gorgeous walk across campus and to the bookstore, where we came across girl scouts selling (more) cookies, a first for Kat. Of course, since she hadn’t ever had any, we asked them for their recommendations and ended up with a box of Samoas. Kat was so excited to meet Girl Scouts in the wild, she had to take a photo.

We hopped back in the car ($1.50 for parking… clearly not in NYC anymore) and finally made it to Mystic Connecticut where we did some shopping along Main Street in the coolest stores including one shaped like a lighthouse where they were creating baskets and plates and earrings from knots. We had to try Mystic Pizza, where the Slice of the Day was Spaghetti and Meatballs. I can’t resist some carbs on my carbs, and I was not disappointed.

We continued north and made our way to Watch Hill aka the place of the one and only, Taylor Swift’s holiday house. We couldn’t believe our luck, but as we arrived, THE GATE OPENED and a truck went in. No, we didn’t see Taylor, but this was almost as exciting. Every home was more and more impressive than the next. And they were all completely empty in the off season. I’m still wondering how I can get that house-sitting gig. After a brisk walk to ogle the homes, we got back in the car and made it to our Bed and Breakfast, where the welcome board indicated that we were the only guests. Who else spends a random Monday night in Rhode Island in April? There were only two restaurants/pubs still open according to the B&B’s binder, so we quickly made our way to one and had THE BEST dinner. Also, it was $7 Martini Monday. We just kept winning.

The next day we woke up at our private B&B and had the loveliest breakfast chatting with the host. He gave me a great coffeehouse recommendation, and the food was just amazing. Homemade lemon bars, delicious yogurt parfaits, we did not want for food on this trip. We headed out again with no destination except our evening B&B, and again, we saw a sign that made us change course. We saw an exit for Foxborough, MA, and Kat said, isn’t that where the Patriots play? I couldn’t care less, since I’m an NCAA not an NFL girlie, but I do love exploring a stadium. We turned off the road, and Kat was in heaven. First of all, she loves a shop, and this was THE BIGGEST shop, not to mention that it turns out the stadium itself is kind of inside a huge outdoor mall. From there, we went to Newburyport, MA which was adorable. We found a candy shop called The Candyman, and we saw the actual Candy Men (the owners/founders) making their specialty: cashew turtles. We bought a few for the ride.

We went on to Portsmouth, NH, where we stopped for lunch and some more exploration. Kat found a restaurant called Cheese Louise, which originated as a food truck, and specializes in unique grilled cheese. It was AMAZING. After more exploring (read: walking off our millions of snacks before sitting in the car again), we headed to the Kittery Outlets, where we decided to spend the afternoon that was forecasted to rain. Unfortunately, when we got back to the car I had a parking ticket, which made me extremely mad because I paid for the spot!! Since our trip, I contested the ticket, and I was granted a “one time variance.”

We spent some money at the outlets, and headed to the next destination, the Nubble Lighthouse, one of the “most photographed lighthouses in the world,” on a rocky islet 100 yards off the mainland of Maine. The lighthouse was gorgeous, but the post-storm vibes and incredible opulent homes around it made it even better. We took many photos, shivering and slightly damp, and then we shuffled back to our car to head to our evening B&B in Kennebunk, Maine.

After a quick drop off of our things, we headed to The Pilot for dinner, where we had the best clam chowder I’ve ever eaten. I know that is an extreme statement but it’s true. We ate so much food, then returned to the B&B to eat the homemade cookies and Ghirardelli chocolate left by the host and cuddled in bed to watch Gilmore Girls together. It was basically the perfect night.

The next morning, we rose early again. I think it was a shock to my system not having to wake up overnight to feed a baby. I was up ready to rock and roll by 7 every morning! That worked well, because we had our longest day of driving ahead of us. But first, breakfast. Our host again made us the most incredible breakfast of French toast with fresh fruit, homemade granola in yogurt parfaits, and hot coffee. After taking photos in front of our B&B, which became a daily tradition, we walked next door to the famous Wedding Cake House to take more photos, and then we began our longest driving day.

Our goal for the day was to make it to our turnaround spot at THE BOOT at L.L. Bean and then drive all the way back down to Connecticut. Spoiler alert, we did it! L.L. Bean has a massive campus, especially because their main store is under renovations. They currently have 6 separate stores, one of which is a temporary massive tent, called Camp L.L. BEAN. I got two pairs of hand-cut shoelaces and fun stickers, and Kat got an embroidered Boat & Tote. We got a workout shopping at all of the stores and made our way to our first (3) snacks of the day. First up, the official snack of Maine, the whoopie pie! Did you know that? Because I didn’t. They had a store full of different flavors, and we tried chocolate peanut butter and pumpkin. Both were amazing. We then made our way down the street to McDonalds. If you’re thinking that is lame, you haven’t been to this McDonalds. Due to Freeport design laws, there are no big yellow arches to be found, they had to remodel an existing mansion and build a McDonald’s in it. The outside is an unassuming house, but the inside looks like a regular Micky Ds. Very strange. We hadn’t had enough snacks yet, so we went further down the street to Wilburs’s of Maine, where we watched them make chocolate-covered espresso beans, and bought some more treats for the road. We hopped back in the car, threw on some more Taylor Swift and started driving south.

We made a quick stop in Portland, Maine for lunch of lobster rolls and lobster mac and cheese, and went for a walk. We found the original location of SeaBags, a store we kept seeing around the northeast. Every bag and item in the store is made from recycled boat sails. They were so cool, and at the factory store we got a few items on mark down. We spent the rest of the afternoon in the car, but a road trip would not be complete without a Blizzard, so we made a mandatory dinner pit stop at DQ. Kat had never tried their chicken tenders, which are superior (shoutout to my nephew who introduced me to this), so thank goodness this DQ was a “grill and chill.” We took our Blizzards and tendies back to the B&B where we showered and tucked in for our final night of cuddling and Gilmore Girls.

Are you wondering why I have mentioned Gilmore Girls 3 times already? Well, because we are obsessed. When we were roommates, we used to watch it all the time, and even though we live on opposite sides of the world, we still talk about which episode we are currently watching, and why everyone should be #TeamLogan (kidding of course, we are only #TeamEmily).

Anyway, since we are obsessed with GG, the perfect end to our road trip was the places where GG was inspired by: The Mayflower Inn in Washington, CT, and New Milford, CT, the inspo for Stars Hollow. I am not really sure how to describe the feeling of stepping into a place you always wanted to visit/live/make friends/be townsfolk in. There were references everywhere to the show, like the antiques store where they said on the sign outside that they were “nicer than Mrs. Kim,” or the diner that had the same “NO CELL PHONES” sign as Luke’s Diner, and of course the infamous gazebo in the town square. I almost cried when we stepped inside. It was surreal and so special to be there with one of my closest friends. We ate at the diner (duh) and did some shopping before heading back to the airport for our “goodbye for now.”